I absolutely suck at New Year’s resolutions. I honestly can’t remember a single resolution that I’ve been able to stick with for an entire year. That is until 2009. At the beginning of this year I was in a very dark place. So I decided to make a fun New Year’s resolution – to see more movies in the theater in 2009 than I did in 2008. Honestly, this wasn’t going to be a hard task as I can only remember seeing one movie in the theater in 2008. Lori, Christy and I went to see Mama Mia. Maybe I saw more than that, but since most of 2008 is now a blur to me, that’s the only one I can remember. Maybe because it’s also the last movie I saw with Christy.
Anyway, Lori told me last night that she was going to make a list on her blog of the movies she had seen this year. So I’ve decided to do the same. I’ll mark my top three favorites as I list them.
Four Christmases (yes, we saw it after Christmas)
#1 favorite – Slumdog Millionaire
The Reader (somebody slap me, please)
Doubt (this one might be #4)
New In Town
Gran Torino (mostly a guy movie but also woman friendly)
The Wrestler (2nd most depressing movie I’ve ever seen!)
Seven Pounds
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (not a Brad Pitt fan, but I loved this movie)
Last Chance Harvey
Revolutionary Road (also very depressing)
Taken (loved it)
Duplicity
Knowing (OMG – I HATED this movie. Nick, I try hard to love you but you’ve got to stop starring in crap!)
Adventureland (Kyle desperately wanted us to watch this movie, but I’m not sure if we actually saw it at the theater or rented it, but I’m listing it anyway.)
The Soloist (great flick)
Up
The Taking of Pelham 123
The Proposal (if you haven’t seen this movie, rent it, it’s great and Betty White is hysterical!)
My Sisters Keeper (Kristen, I’m not sure what we were thinking when we went to see this one! Ultra sad.)
#3 favorite of 2009 – (500) Days of Summer (this is a GREAT movie!)
Julie & Julia
Couples Retreat
Amelia (got horrible reviews but I really liked it.)
A Christmas Carol
#2 favorite of 2009 – The Blind Side (awesome!)
Sherlock Holmes
Did You Hear About the Morgans (funny movie)
That’s my list. I actually enjoyed keeping my resolution. Plus, it makes watching the Oscars a lot more interesting when you’ve actually seen some of the movies nominated.
Still trying to decide on a 2010 resolution,
Julie
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Christy's Stocking Update
Greetings friends and family,
I hope this finds all of you happy, fat and sassy after the holiday season. We had a very blessed Christmas and pray that each of you did as well.
I wanted to update you on Christy’s Stocking. Once again, with your generosity, we were able to raise over $2200.00 in gift cards plus LOTS of DVD’s, books, puzzles, crayons, coloring books, activity books and toys!!!! What a tremendous blessing!!
I will never be able to adequately thank you for your overwhelming generosity. I received a note this morning from Judi, the Child Life Coordinator at Children’s. Here is a small quote from her e-mail…..
”Thank you very much for the gift cards and other gifts. We put together gift baskets for 49 children. Christy’s Stocking will continue to give throughout the year and make it easier for families to come back and forth, to stay for weeks, or to celebrate special occasions. Thank you!!!!”
I continue to be amazed at how God uses each of you and the gifts you provide to Christy’s Stocking. You have no idea how happy my heart feels each time I think of Christy’s amazing spirit living through your gifts.
Those of you on facebook have already heard the story that I shared but it certainly merits being retold here. The first basket put together last year was for a young boy who was released from the hospital just a couple of days before Christmas. He was going home to a house without running water or electricity. Judi was able to give his family enough gas cards for the trip home, a restaurant card for a nice Christmas meal and enough Wal-Mart cards to provide gifts for the family. Judi had tears in her eyes as she shared this story with us and as I stood there listening, I was a blubbering mess. I couldn’t help but picture Christy’s face with that big ear to ear smile of hers. I know that she would be so thrilled at how you blessed this family and so many others.
Thank you just doesn’t seem to be enough but I offer it up to you in hopes that you can catch a small glimpse of our gratitude. I am looking so forward to spreading even more love in 2010!
Love to all,
Julie
DVD's, book, toys, etc donated to Christy's Stocking 2009.
Gift cards donated to Christy's Stocking 2009.
Josh, Kristen, Julie, Kyle & Chris delivering Chirty's Stocking 2009 to Children's Hospital.
I hope this finds all of you happy, fat and sassy after the holiday season. We had a very blessed Christmas and pray that each of you did as well.
I wanted to update you on Christy’s Stocking. Once again, with your generosity, we were able to raise over $2200.00 in gift cards plus LOTS of DVD’s, books, puzzles, crayons, coloring books, activity books and toys!!!! What a tremendous blessing!!
I will never be able to adequately thank you for your overwhelming generosity. I received a note this morning from Judi, the Child Life Coordinator at Children’s. Here is a small quote from her e-mail…..
”Thank you very much for the gift cards and other gifts. We put together gift baskets for 49 children. Christy’s Stocking will continue to give throughout the year and make it easier for families to come back and forth, to stay for weeks, or to celebrate special occasions. Thank you!!!!”
I continue to be amazed at how God uses each of you and the gifts you provide to Christy’s Stocking. You have no idea how happy my heart feels each time I think of Christy’s amazing spirit living through your gifts.
Those of you on facebook have already heard the story that I shared but it certainly merits being retold here. The first basket put together last year was for a young boy who was released from the hospital just a couple of days before Christmas. He was going home to a house without running water or electricity. Judi was able to give his family enough gas cards for the trip home, a restaurant card for a nice Christmas meal and enough Wal-Mart cards to provide gifts for the family. Judi had tears in her eyes as she shared this story with us and as I stood there listening, I was a blubbering mess. I couldn’t help but picture Christy’s face with that big ear to ear smile of hers. I know that she would be so thrilled at how you blessed this family and so many others.
Thank you just doesn’t seem to be enough but I offer it up to you in hopes that you can catch a small glimpse of our gratitude. I am looking so forward to spreading even more love in 2010!
Love to all,
Julie
DVD's, book, toys, etc donated to Christy's Stocking 2009.
Gift cards donated to Christy's Stocking 2009.
Josh, Kristen, Julie, Kyle & Chris delivering Chirty's Stocking 2009 to Children's Hospital.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Christy's Stocking - II
Dear Friends and Family,
We are facing the upcoming holidays with both joy and sorrow. Our family has taken on a lot of change since last year. The biggest of those being an addition - Josh has gotten married!!!!!! His lovely wife is Kristen, who we have known and loved for years. She and Christy had been friends since they were in Sunday school together during their college years. So Kristen has entered our crazy family rather easily, she already knew us, so she knew what she was in for. Kristen has suffered great loss over the course of this past year also. She lost her precious mom in July and just last week her best friend Lauren, who joined her Father in her eternal home. So, as I’ve said, we face the upcoming holidays still broken, but ever hopeful.
Which brings me to the reason for this letter – Christy’s stocking. We are, for the second year, hoping to bring love and hope to families who are facing the holidays with children who are sick and hospitalized, while also facing financial difficulties. We did this last year by filling Christy’s stocking to overflow with children’s books and gift cards, which we then delivered to Children’s Hospital. Last year we hoped to be able to deliver gift cards totaling $1000. Imagine our total delight when we were able to hand over more than $3000 worth of gift cards and cash. Oh, how very blessed you helped to make our holiday. We hope that each of you received a copy of a letter from Judi, the Child Life Coordinator at Children’s Hospital. It gave you a small glimpse of how your donations were used. (In case anyone missed it, we have included Judi’s letter.)
This year, with your generosity, we hope to meet and even exceed last year’s donations. We are once again collecting gift cards of all types – WalMart, Kroger, Meijer, restaurant (fast food or sit down), gasoline, etc. One family donated a Build-A-Bear gift card last year, which I thought was an excellent idea. Also, this year to brighten the faces of the little ones we are collecting children’s DVD’s.
We learned last year that we could improve some on our gift notification to the hospital. So, if you would please include with your gift - your name, complete mailing address and the value of your donation so that the hospital can send you a receipt, which you can use for income tax purposes. Please note that your donation conformation letter will be addressed to you from The University of Kentucky.
Donations can be mailed to:
Christy’s Stocking
c/o The Wells Family
104 Millhouse Drive
Nicholasville KY 40356
Please feel free to drop off your donation, or call and one of us will gladly pick it up from you.
We still miss Christy terribly and can hardly stand the thoughts of facing her favorite time of year without her. However, we feel so blessed knowing that her spirit lives on through your gifts to needy families. Thank you for helping us to keep her spirit alive.
Happy Holidays and may God bless each of you,
Chris, Julie & Kyle
Josh & Kristen
Julie, family, and friends,
Thank you all so much for the generous donation of gift cards to our children and families. We created 52 gift packages for children and families who were here Dec. 25. We used some gift cards then. We used some before for families who were discharged a day or two before and had no resources to provide gifts for their children. We again gave some to some children and families last week, because it was dreary and depressing. The smiles the gift cards bring would warm your hearts on the coldest of days.
We shared some of the gift cards with our social worker, who has given them to families needing gas and food. We have a few remaining, which we will give to children who are deserving. I think Christy would be pleased with the help and joy the gift cards have brought to the families at KY Children’s Hospital. Each of you should be please with the good works you have made possible with your generosity.
Thank you again!
Judi Martin CCLS
Child Life Coordinator
Kentucky Children's Hospital
800 Rose Street
Lexington, KY 40536-0293
859-323-6551
jamart8@email.uky.edu
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
One Year
To all who may be wondering, I’m okay. I survived the one year mark, not great, but I survived. Josh, Kristen, Chris and I went to the cemetery on Saturday. The day matched my emotions perfectly; bitter, cloudy and cold. As we stood at Christy’s gravesite we all cried. What a blessing it is that Josh has a wife who will not only allow him to grieve but also shares his grief with him. I realized on Saturday, more than ever, why God chose Kristen for this season of Josh’s life.
On Sunday Chris and I went back to the cemetery. We planted mums at Christy’s grave and tulip bulbs at hers, my moms and grandparents graves. We were there for about 2 ½ hours, just working and remembering. (Thanks Brian & Jennifer for the beautiful mums! I had planned to buy some myself for Christy’s grave but the ones you brought were just perfect.)
Then, when we got home from the cemetery I got a phone call from Barbara. Frances (Puckett) Price’s son, James, was killed in a car accident on Sunday – October 11th. My heart fell to my feet as she repeated the words that I thought surely I had misunderstood. Oh Frances! Frances lost her husband in a car accident when her boys were small, and now she’s lost one of her sons the same way. How much can one woman live through? Why does one wife & mother have to endure so much? James leaves behind his wife and two very small children, please pray for this heartbroken family. Frances is Barbara’s cousin, so Barbara and her sisters are all headed to North Carolina today. Pray that they make it down and back safely. I can’t stop thinking of Frances, I know the heartbreak she’s going through all too well. I wish I could offer up words of comfort to her, but I know that I can not. Her pain has to be felt, she too will survive. Though I’m not sure how any of us do.
I have spent the past week thinking of little other than my sweet girl. Oh how I miss her so! Every single day my heart cries for her. I live each day clinging to the promise that we will one day be reunited. Please continue to pray for me as I walk this path. Thanks to each of you for your love and support.
Love to all,
Julie
On Sunday Chris and I went back to the cemetery. We planted mums at Christy’s grave and tulip bulbs at hers, my moms and grandparents graves. We were there for about 2 ½ hours, just working and remembering. (Thanks Brian & Jennifer for the beautiful mums! I had planned to buy some myself for Christy’s grave but the ones you brought were just perfect.)
Then, when we got home from the cemetery I got a phone call from Barbara. Frances (Puckett) Price’s son, James, was killed in a car accident on Sunday – October 11th. My heart fell to my feet as she repeated the words that I thought surely I had misunderstood. Oh Frances! Frances lost her husband in a car accident when her boys were small, and now she’s lost one of her sons the same way. How much can one woman live through? Why does one wife & mother have to endure so much? James leaves behind his wife and two very small children, please pray for this heartbroken family. Frances is Barbara’s cousin, so Barbara and her sisters are all headed to North Carolina today. Pray that they make it down and back safely. I can’t stop thinking of Frances, I know the heartbreak she’s going through all too well. I wish I could offer up words of comfort to her, but I know that I can not. Her pain has to be felt, she too will survive. Though I’m not sure how any of us do.
I have spent the past week thinking of little other than my sweet girl. Oh how I miss her so! Every single day my heart cries for her. I live each day clinging to the promise that we will one day be reunited. Please continue to pray for me as I walk this path. Thanks to each of you for your love and support.
Love to all,
Julie
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Do you need a photographer?
If so, check out the link My Day Job Photography under My Blog List on the right. Raye does a great job and she's a real sweetheart too! You'll love her.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Jill
Those of you who work know exactly what I mean when I say that I spend most of my waking hours at my job. It’s not all bad, but not really much fun either. I’ve always jokingly said that I’m a stay at home mom trapped inside the body of a working woman. I’ve met many people over the course of my working years, some good and some not so good. When I came to work at Lexington Center I promised myself that I wasn’t going to get personally involved with anyone. Why? Sometimes work relationships just get weird. Or, you become really good friends with someone and then one of you gets another job. As you may have guessed, I broke my promise. And I’m very glad that I did or I would have missed out on a few wonderful friendships. One of those would be my very dear friend, Jill.
On Tuesday we will be saying good-bye to Jill as she seeks greener pastures on the other side of the fence. No more early morning walks to Starbucks for the sweet elixir of life. No more walks to Sam’s Hot Dog Stand to sit out in the fresh air and sunshine. Work life is going to get a little less fun and a lot more boring. But the thing that I will miss the most is simply my friend. I can’t really remember how we came to be friends but over the years as we’ve shared many conversations we’ve learned that we have a lot in common. We are both the youngest in our family with siblings who are several years older than we are. We were both raised on a farm. We are both married to city boys who couldn’t tell the difference between dairy cattle and beef cattle if their lives depended on it. We were both raised in small Baptist churches, where we both still attended until only recently. And we both lost our mothers far too soon to the evils of cancer.
Jill, we have shared a lot of laughs and getting to know you has been a blast. But the purpose of this post is to let you know, sister, just how much you have meant to me over these past 8 ½ years. We’ve seen each other through a lot of things, the most tragic of those being just a year ago when I lost Christy. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me during the darkest days of my life. Thank you just seems so inadequate. You’ve been my shoulder to cry on over and over and over and I know you will be again, anytime I need it. I’m so very grateful that God brought us together. You have certainly been a faithful friend and trustworthy confidante. I pray that God blesses you abundantly as you seek this new venture in your life. I vow to keep in touch with you but when I fail, would you please pick up my slack? I know you hate mushiness but I want you to know..... I love you friend and I truly hope that you know just how much you’ve blessed me.
I’ll keep praying for you as you keep praying for me.
Already dreading Wednesday morning,
Julie
On Tuesday we will be saying good-bye to Jill as she seeks greener pastures on the other side of the fence. No more early morning walks to Starbucks for the sweet elixir of life. No more walks to Sam’s Hot Dog Stand to sit out in the fresh air and sunshine. Work life is going to get a little less fun and a lot more boring. But the thing that I will miss the most is simply my friend. I can’t really remember how we came to be friends but over the years as we’ve shared many conversations we’ve learned that we have a lot in common. We are both the youngest in our family with siblings who are several years older than we are. We were both raised on a farm. We are both married to city boys who couldn’t tell the difference between dairy cattle and beef cattle if their lives depended on it. We were both raised in small Baptist churches, where we both still attended until only recently. And we both lost our mothers far too soon to the evils of cancer.
Jill, we have shared a lot of laughs and getting to know you has been a blast. But the purpose of this post is to let you know, sister, just how much you have meant to me over these past 8 ½ years. We’ve seen each other through a lot of things, the most tragic of those being just a year ago when I lost Christy. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me during the darkest days of my life. Thank you just seems so inadequate. You’ve been my shoulder to cry on over and over and over and I know you will be again, anytime I need it. I’m so very grateful that God brought us together. You have certainly been a faithful friend and trustworthy confidante. I pray that God blesses you abundantly as you seek this new venture in your life. I vow to keep in touch with you but when I fail, would you please pick up my slack? I know you hate mushiness but I want you to know..... I love you friend and I truly hope that you know just how much you’ve blessed me.
I’ll keep praying for you as you keep praying for me.
Already dreading Wednesday morning,
Julie
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Music
As many of you know, my prayer life has been almost nonexistent since October 11th. I’ve been struggling daily with talking to God. If I’ve told you that I would pray for you, then I have. I just don’t get personal with God at all. I’ve asked a lot of you to pray for me about this and I really appreciate those of you who have. I’m not sure how long this prayer drought will last, but God knows my heart and right now I’m holding on to that.
Last night after Chris and I left Fiesta Mexico, we actually met there so I had my own car, I stopped by the cemetery. Music has really spoken to my heart since Christy’s death; so many songs speak of where I am. So, as I was pulling out of the cemetery this song began to play on the radio. I had never heard it before or of the group but I knew the minute the song started it was going to be meaningful to me. I could have written this song myself, it speaks my heart so clearly. There is no video, only audio, so you can follow along with the lyrics underneath the link. The group is Mikeschair (yes, all one word) and the song is titled “Let the Waters Rise.”
">
Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here
Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You
God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
Following Him,
Julie
Last night after Chris and I left Fiesta Mexico, we actually met there so I had my own car, I stopped by the cemetery. Music has really spoken to my heart since Christy’s death; so many songs speak of where I am. So, as I was pulling out of the cemetery this song began to play on the radio. I had never heard it before or of the group but I knew the minute the song started it was going to be meaningful to me. I could have written this song myself, it speaks my heart so clearly. There is no video, only audio, so you can follow along with the lyrics underneath the link. The group is Mikeschair (yes, all one word) and the song is titled “Let the Waters Rise.”
">
Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here
Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You
God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
Following Him,
Julie
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Until Death Do Us Part
My head is so full of blog posts that it’s a mess. I’m going to do my best to separate them into something that makes sense.
Saturday was my birthday, my first birthday without Christy since 1979. It really wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, maybe because I had a very vivid dream about her on Friday night. Many times when I dream about her she doesn’t speak, but she did a lot of talking in this dream. I can’t really say it was a good dream, though not really bad either, but she was so Christy in the dream that when I woke up I REALLY felt like I had been in her presence. When I got up I felt wonderful and even laughed at her reaction (in the dream) to the predicament she had found herself in. I spent the day feeling her love and her closeness, it was almost impossible to feel sad. God blessed me with that and I so appreciate it.
A week ago Saturday was Josh and Kristen’s wedding day. I had a bit of a hard time but was able to hold my composure throughout most of the ceremony. The hardest part for me was the vows. I’ve been to lots of weddings and heard wedding vows many times, but I had never really listened to them. On this day I did, as Josh spoke those words to Kristen I sat with my eyes closed. For some reason I just couldn’t allow myself to watch him making his vow to her. Until the very end…… “until death do us part.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. His vow to Christy was only until her death, wow! He vowed to his Lord and to her that he would love, honor and cherish her through sickness and in health, and keep himself only unto her until death parted them. I have never known a man who kept his vow more completely than Josh did. Realizing this in a new light made the rest of the ceremony and day much easier for me. I love you Josh, more than I would ever have thought possible and I truly wish you and Kristen all the happiness this world has to offer. I thank God that he made you to be just who you are! As my girl always reminded me, you are quite special!
Looking ahead to October 11th is extremely difficult. Please continue to pray that God will give me strength. It’s hard for me to think that almost an entire year of my life has passed without Christy. How can that be? Was there really life in these bones before her? Yet, here I am struggling to make it through every milestone while dreading the next.
Please continue to pray for my friend Traci and her family. Her mom is still fighting her battle with cancer and trusting her Lord every step of the way. Let’s all join together asking God for miraculous healing!
Thanks for checking in on me. I have many more blog posts in my head but will save them for another day.
Love to all,
Julie
Saturday was my birthday, my first birthday without Christy since 1979. It really wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, maybe because I had a very vivid dream about her on Friday night. Many times when I dream about her she doesn’t speak, but she did a lot of talking in this dream. I can’t really say it was a good dream, though not really bad either, but she was so Christy in the dream that when I woke up I REALLY felt like I had been in her presence. When I got up I felt wonderful and even laughed at her reaction (in the dream) to the predicament she had found herself in. I spent the day feeling her love and her closeness, it was almost impossible to feel sad. God blessed me with that and I so appreciate it.
A week ago Saturday was Josh and Kristen’s wedding day. I had a bit of a hard time but was able to hold my composure throughout most of the ceremony. The hardest part for me was the vows. I’ve been to lots of weddings and heard wedding vows many times, but I had never really listened to them. On this day I did, as Josh spoke those words to Kristen I sat with my eyes closed. For some reason I just couldn’t allow myself to watch him making his vow to her. Until the very end…… “until death do us part.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. His vow to Christy was only until her death, wow! He vowed to his Lord and to her that he would love, honor and cherish her through sickness and in health, and keep himself only unto her until death parted them. I have never known a man who kept his vow more completely than Josh did. Realizing this in a new light made the rest of the ceremony and day much easier for me. I love you Josh, more than I would ever have thought possible and I truly wish you and Kristen all the happiness this world has to offer. I thank God that he made you to be just who you are! As my girl always reminded me, you are quite special!
Looking ahead to October 11th is extremely difficult. Please continue to pray that God will give me strength. It’s hard for me to think that almost an entire year of my life has passed without Christy. How can that be? Was there really life in these bones before her? Yet, here I am struggling to make it through every milestone while dreading the next.
Please continue to pray for my friend Traci and her family. Her mom is still fighting her battle with cancer and trusting her Lord every step of the way. Let’s all join together asking God for miraculous healing!
Thanks for checking in on me. I have many more blog posts in my head but will save them for another day.
Love to all,
Julie
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Constant Grief
I haven’t posted for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. Christy is what consumes my thoughts, but do you guys really want to hear about only that? Over and over again? Well, I suppose this is my blog and she is part of my every thought. So…….
I’m wondering how long this ache inside is going to last? I’m guessing until I say good-bye to this earth and take my final breath. She is always with me, always. I seem to have the hardest time when I’m at work. My brain has too much time to wander, and of course it always wanders to her. I miss her so much that I can’t even describe it. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a physical longing for her. Can it really be that it’s been almost a year since she and I have been together? Seriously? And yet at other times I feel like it’s been forever. How is it that the world keeps turning, that babies are being born, that life is going on all around me, that I haven’t crumbled in a heap on the ground? How does a mother EVER let go of her child? It hurts so badly! When will this madness end?!!
Every day is hard. I sit at my desk working and waiting for time to go home. Believe it or not, it’s easier when I’m at home surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Oh, even then there are certainly times when Christy’s absence is painfully obvious but at least my mind isn’t in constant thought of her. At work, I think of little else.
My mom passed away when I was 22 years old. She had been sick most of my adult life, so we never really experienced the adult daughter - mother relationship. I was so enjoying that relationship with Christy. She was such a blessing! Her heart was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever known. She knew how to love and she did it with commitment! Not only that, she was honored to do it. She took her love seriously, never once taking it for granted. I wish I had never taken her for granted. More than anything, I wish God’s plans for Christy would have been for her to spend more time with us.
The next weeks and months aren’t going to be easy ones for me. Josh and Kristen are getting married a week from Saturday. I really don’t feel like I’m bothered by that thought but my fear is that I’ll have a breakdown in the middle of the ceremony. I pray that doesn’t happen. My birthday is the following week, I don’t know how to celebrate a birthday without Christy. Then comes the most dreaded day of the year, October 11th. I have no clue how I will survive this first anniversary of her passing. Probably as a hermit. Then of course in November and December come the holidays, the most special time of year for Christy. Her absence will be terrible as we face another Christmas season without her.
Please consider adding some of my friends to your prayer list. My friend Traci is facing cancer in her family. Her beloved mother has terminal gastric carcinoma. Her name is Wanda and she is a precious lady who loves her family and her Lord. Pray that God will be with this beautiful family and bring them a peace that passes all understanding. Please continue praying for the Lucas family as they, too, learn to live life without someone very precious. Lannie, Kristen & Brian’s mom, was called to her eternal home in July. Pray that the Lucas family can hold tight to their fondest memories and feel God’s love through their pain. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to Christy’s Stocking this year. I can’t begin to tell you how your donations last year blessed us and so MANY families serviced by Children’s Hospital. Your generosity was amazing! What a beautiful way to honor Christy’s life.
Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to love us. Hopefully soon I will be able to blog about something other than my pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we learn to live with constant grief, forever missing Christy.
Praising the name of the Lord through the heartache,
Julie
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
I’m wondering how long this ache inside is going to last? I’m guessing until I say good-bye to this earth and take my final breath. She is always with me, always. I seem to have the hardest time when I’m at work. My brain has too much time to wander, and of course it always wanders to her. I miss her so much that I can’t even describe it. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a physical longing for her. Can it really be that it’s been almost a year since she and I have been together? Seriously? And yet at other times I feel like it’s been forever. How is it that the world keeps turning, that babies are being born, that life is going on all around me, that I haven’t crumbled in a heap on the ground? How does a mother EVER let go of her child? It hurts so badly! When will this madness end?!!
Every day is hard. I sit at my desk working and waiting for time to go home. Believe it or not, it’s easier when I’m at home surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Oh, even then there are certainly times when Christy’s absence is painfully obvious but at least my mind isn’t in constant thought of her. At work, I think of little else.
My mom passed away when I was 22 years old. She had been sick most of my adult life, so we never really experienced the adult daughter - mother relationship. I was so enjoying that relationship with Christy. She was such a blessing! Her heart was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever known. She knew how to love and she did it with commitment! Not only that, she was honored to do it. She took her love seriously, never once taking it for granted. I wish I had never taken her for granted. More than anything, I wish God’s plans for Christy would have been for her to spend more time with us.
The next weeks and months aren’t going to be easy ones for me. Josh and Kristen are getting married a week from Saturday. I really don’t feel like I’m bothered by that thought but my fear is that I’ll have a breakdown in the middle of the ceremony. I pray that doesn’t happen. My birthday is the following week, I don’t know how to celebrate a birthday without Christy. Then comes the most dreaded day of the year, October 11th. I have no clue how I will survive this first anniversary of her passing. Probably as a hermit. Then of course in November and December come the holidays, the most special time of year for Christy. Her absence will be terrible as we face another Christmas season without her.
Please consider adding some of my friends to your prayer list. My friend Traci is facing cancer in her family. Her beloved mother has terminal gastric carcinoma. Her name is Wanda and she is a precious lady who loves her family and her Lord. Pray that God will be with this beautiful family and bring them a peace that passes all understanding. Please continue praying for the Lucas family as they, too, learn to live life without someone very precious. Lannie, Kristen & Brian’s mom, was called to her eternal home in July. Pray that the Lucas family can hold tight to their fondest memories and feel God’s love through their pain. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to Christy’s Stocking this year. I can’t begin to tell you how your donations last year blessed us and so MANY families serviced by Children’s Hospital. Your generosity was amazing! What a beautiful way to honor Christy’s life.
Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to love us. Hopefully soon I will be able to blog about something other than my pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we learn to live with constant grief, forever missing Christy.
Praising the name of the Lord through the heartache,
Julie
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
Monday, August 31, 2009
Shelf Giveaway
My friend Traci is giving away a beautiful shelf that she made herself. Click here to check out her blog for a chance to win!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Army - a poem by Christy Price
When my kids were little my nephew Scott was a constant at our house. He is only 10 years younger than me and always felt more like a little brother than a nephew. Anyway, somewhere around 1989 or 1990 (Scott you should comment and let us know for sure) he joined the Army. I’m not sure I ever knew this but Christy wrote a poem for him before he left. He has held onto it all these years and shared it with me today. I thought I would share it with all of you, I hope you can see it well enough to read it. I wanted to share it as it was, since it was in her own handwriting. It made me smile!
Missing my girl,
Julie
Missing my girl,
Julie
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wish You Were Here
Our tears are not for you sweetheart, we cry for ourselves.
I wanted to tell you
How closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes
That we've had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'cause I'm finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
Now don't you be weary
'cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold onto Jesus
Reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that we treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow
Will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here...
I wanted to tell you
How closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes
That we've had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'cause I'm finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
Now don't you be weary
'cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold onto Jesus
Reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that we treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow
Will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
God’s Plan
My life is forever changed. Will I ever get to the point where I feel ‘normal’ again? (No jokes about how I’ve never been normal, please.) Some days I’m fooled into believing I’m normal, only to have reality smack me right in the face.
This week has been really weird for me. Chris and Kyle are both gone and for the first time since Christy’s death, I’m spending the majority of my home time alone. Much time for reflection, which is good - but also very sad. I cried a lot last night, I got started and I just couldn’t stop. Finally I gave in and drove to the cemetery. For some crazy reason I feel closer to Christy there, not emotionally but physically. I got there and then didn’t want to leave.
I know that much of my emotion is probably because of the wedding planning that’s going on around me. Josh is getting married! I’m guessing that this is a shock to a few of you. He started dating Kristen Lucas a couple of months ago. It didn’t take them long to realize that God was giving them the gift of love. They knew they wanted to be married but they were in no hurry. They planned to wait until after October to get engaged, and then marry sometime next year. But God has a different plan for them. Kristen’s mom, Lannie, has been courageously battling cancer for a year or so. On Friday, June 5th, the doctor gave the Lucas family some very devastating news; medically there is nothing more they can do for Lannie. Lannie has a strong faith in God and is very confident that He can heal her, and we are praying daily that He will. However, Josh and Kristen can’t imagine having a wedding without Lannie, and though they certainly have faith, they also have no clue what God’s plans are for Lannie. So, they’ve decided to move up their wedding. They will be getting married in September.
I’m very happy that Josh has found love again. And if I could have hand picked a girl for Josh, it would be Kristen. She is truly a beautiful and wonderful woman of God. I know they will have a happy life together.
Please don’t think, for even one second, that I’m sad because of what they have. My sadness comes from what I’ve lost. And yet, I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me more than I can understand. I have a beautiful, loving son who is becoming the man I always prayed he would be. And though I know that our relationship is bound to take on a new face, I have a son-in-law that I love deeply. I just flat out miss Christy so much it hurts. Before October 11th I never knew a persons heart could literally hurt. Now I not only know it, I live with it every single day.
So please join me in praying for the happiness and prosperity of this beautiful couple that God has brought together. Pray also for Lannie, pray that God will bring about total and complete healing to her body. Pray for Kyle as he continues to grieve the loss of his sister, his confidant. Pray for Chris, he loves my kids and the loss of Christy has been very hard for him too. Pray for my dear friend Lori, it seems as though much of her grief has been delayed, probably because she’s been too focused on my grief to worry about her own. And lastly, please continue to pray for me. My girl is gone and every day that I live without her is a struggle. I feel like Job when he said, "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). But when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him, pray that I can hold on to that hope.
I receive an email daily from an organization called GriefShare, yesterdays e-mail ended with the following prayer. It sums up my feelings perfectly.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
Surviving every day one minute at a time,
Julie
This week has been really weird for me. Chris and Kyle are both gone and for the first time since Christy’s death, I’m spending the majority of my home time alone. Much time for reflection, which is good - but also very sad. I cried a lot last night, I got started and I just couldn’t stop. Finally I gave in and drove to the cemetery. For some crazy reason I feel closer to Christy there, not emotionally but physically. I got there and then didn’t want to leave.
I know that much of my emotion is probably because of the wedding planning that’s going on around me. Josh is getting married! I’m guessing that this is a shock to a few of you. He started dating Kristen Lucas a couple of months ago. It didn’t take them long to realize that God was giving them the gift of love. They knew they wanted to be married but they were in no hurry. They planned to wait until after October to get engaged, and then marry sometime next year. But God has a different plan for them. Kristen’s mom, Lannie, has been courageously battling cancer for a year or so. On Friday, June 5th, the doctor gave the Lucas family some very devastating news; medically there is nothing more they can do for Lannie. Lannie has a strong faith in God and is very confident that He can heal her, and we are praying daily that He will. However, Josh and Kristen can’t imagine having a wedding without Lannie, and though they certainly have faith, they also have no clue what God’s plans are for Lannie. So, they’ve decided to move up their wedding. They will be getting married in September.
I’m very happy that Josh has found love again. And if I could have hand picked a girl for Josh, it would be Kristen. She is truly a beautiful and wonderful woman of God. I know they will have a happy life together.
Please don’t think, for even one second, that I’m sad because of what they have. My sadness comes from what I’ve lost. And yet, I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me more than I can understand. I have a beautiful, loving son who is becoming the man I always prayed he would be. And though I know that our relationship is bound to take on a new face, I have a son-in-law that I love deeply. I just flat out miss Christy so much it hurts. Before October 11th I never knew a persons heart could literally hurt. Now I not only know it, I live with it every single day.
So please join me in praying for the happiness and prosperity of this beautiful couple that God has brought together. Pray also for Lannie, pray that God will bring about total and complete healing to her body. Pray for Kyle as he continues to grieve the loss of his sister, his confidant. Pray for Chris, he loves my kids and the loss of Christy has been very hard for him too. Pray for my dear friend Lori, it seems as though much of her grief has been delayed, probably because she’s been too focused on my grief to worry about her own. And lastly, please continue to pray for me. My girl is gone and every day that I live without her is a struggle. I feel like Job when he said, "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). But when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him, pray that I can hold on to that hope.
I receive an email daily from an organization called GriefShare, yesterdays e-mail ended with the following prayer. It sums up my feelings perfectly.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
Surviving every day one minute at a time,
Julie
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Remembrance
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On.
Author Unknown
I know I may be a tad bit biased here, but doesn't this sound just exactly like our sweet Christy?
Smiling, opening my eyes, loving and trying desperately to go on,
Julie
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On.
Author Unknown
I know I may be a tad bit biased here, but doesn't this sound just exactly like our sweet Christy?
Smiling, opening my eyes, loving and trying desperately to go on,
Julie
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Day After
Christy,
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you weren’t here. Yesterday I was okay, today is a different story. I’m not sure why but the ache I feel inside for you has intensified today. I need to see you. The boys did a great job of making my day special, but you were still missing. I want you to come back home. I know that you’re in your eternal home but I want you back here, in your earthly home. I miss you so much.
I try so hard to make sense of all this, but I just can’t. I live every day trusting that God knows exactly what he’s doing but I certainly don’t have a clue what that is. Oh I think I see a lot of it. He’s painting a pretty clear picture right now. I guess I just don’t like it very much. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? We were all happy, living in a world that was almost perfect by our standards.
I know that you’re happy, experiencing a joy that we can only dream of. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I long for you. A longing that just doesn’t go away, ever. I love you so much it hurts.
I miss you sweetheart and I’m trying hard to hold on. I know that you want all of us to live our lives and love each other as much as possible. We are and we do, it’s just not the same here without you.
Love you,
Mom
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you weren’t here. Yesterday I was okay, today is a different story. I’m not sure why but the ache I feel inside for you has intensified today. I need to see you. The boys did a great job of making my day special, but you were still missing. I want you to come back home. I know that you’re in your eternal home but I want you back here, in your earthly home. I miss you so much.
I try so hard to make sense of all this, but I just can’t. I live every day trusting that God knows exactly what he’s doing but I certainly don’t have a clue what that is. Oh I think I see a lot of it. He’s painting a pretty clear picture right now. I guess I just don’t like it very much. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? We were all happy, living in a world that was almost perfect by our standards.
I know that you’re happy, experiencing a joy that we can only dream of. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I long for you. A longing that just doesn’t go away, ever. I love you so much it hurts.
I miss you sweetheart and I’m trying hard to hold on. I know that you want all of us to live our lives and love each other as much as possible. We are and we do, it’s just not the same here without you.
Love you,
Mom
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day has been hard for me since I was taken by surprise 24 years ago. I innocently went to church that Sunday morning not realizing how devastating it would be. See, at church they make a big deal out of Mother’s Day – as they should. But when you’ve lost your mother, or your child as I will now be faced with, it’s just a painful reminder of what you don’t have.
For the past several years Chris, Kyle and I have traveled to Cynthiana for Mother’s Day. It’s been our little tradition. We won’t be doing that this year.
Chris and I will be going to church with Kyle this year, back to Mt. Freedom for a Sunday. I need to start a new tradition. I’m going to try very hard to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. I know this isn’t going to be easy but my son deserves it.
I still have reasons to celebrate on Mother’s Day. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who would, and has, done anything in the world for me. I love her; I want to celebrate her this year. I have Chris’ grandmother; she’s 93 years old and an amazing woman. I want to celebrate her this year. I have Josh, who by law isn’t my son any longer but who will forever be my son in my heart. I want to celebrate still being a part of his life.
Christy isn’t here in flesh any longer but I’m certainly still her mother. I want to celebrate that. She always went above and beyond to make every Mother’s Day special, I will celebrate those times and know that she still loves me. I will also celebrate the love I still have for her.
Most importantly, I want to celebrate the fact that I’m Kyle’s mother. What a huge blessing he is to me. God brought much comedy into our lives when he gave us Kyle, but even more - He brought us much love. This young man loves his momma, and his momma loves him with every fiber of her being. Kyle is a very special young man. If you don’t know him well, you should get to know him. He will grate your very last nerve one minute, then turn around the next and melt your heart. I wouldn’t have him any other way. He is exactly the son God created him to be and I adore him.
I will celebrate being Christy’s mother and I will celebrate being Kyle’s mother. Please pray for me as I do.
Celebrating my children,
Julie
For the past several years Chris, Kyle and I have traveled to Cynthiana for Mother’s Day. It’s been our little tradition. We won’t be doing that this year.
Chris and I will be going to church with Kyle this year, back to Mt. Freedom for a Sunday. I need to start a new tradition. I’m going to try very hard to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. I know this isn’t going to be easy but my son deserves it.
I still have reasons to celebrate on Mother’s Day. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who would, and has, done anything in the world for me. I love her; I want to celebrate her this year. I have Chris’ grandmother; she’s 93 years old and an amazing woman. I want to celebrate her this year. I have Josh, who by law isn’t my son any longer but who will forever be my son in my heart. I want to celebrate still being a part of his life.
Christy isn’t here in flesh any longer but I’m certainly still her mother. I want to celebrate that. She always went above and beyond to make every Mother’s Day special, I will celebrate those times and know that she still loves me. I will also celebrate the love I still have for her.
Most importantly, I want to celebrate the fact that I’m Kyle’s mother. What a huge blessing he is to me. God brought much comedy into our lives when he gave us Kyle, but even more - He brought us much love. This young man loves his momma, and his momma loves him with every fiber of her being. Kyle is a very special young man. If you don’t know him well, you should get to know him. He will grate your very last nerve one minute, then turn around the next and melt your heart. I wouldn’t have him any other way. He is exactly the son God created him to be and I adore him.
I will celebrate being Christy’s mother and I will celebrate being Kyle’s mother. Please pray for me as I do.
Celebrating my children,
Julie
Monday, May 4, 2009
Happy Birthday Chris!
Today is Chris’ 41st birthday. Last year when he turned 40 I threw a big surprise party for him. Thanks to many lies (I’m sorry to admit that, but it was a surprise party) and the help of my friends, he was actually surprised. It was great fun. We ate, laughed and sang karaoke.
This year the celebration is a little toned down but the love has grown even stronger. Last year at this time we were a family of five, things weren’t perfect but for the most part we were happy and loving life. Then tragedy struck and ours lives were turned upside down, never to be the same again.
I guess the loss of a child is the very worst thing a mother can go through. Evidence of this fact is ever so clear on the grief board that I visit. We are a sisterhood of women who desperately wish we didn’t have the need to know each other. Child loss is a feeling that can’t be put into words, it’s horrific. But through the pain I am able to catch glimpses of hope and know that even though I don’t always feel so, I am blessed. One of my biggest blessings is Chris. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that God brought Chris into our lives. I’ve said this before - he’s my rock. I have no idea how I would have survived these past 7 months without his love, strength and constant understanding. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s my man and I love him.
Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you more than you know.
This year the celebration is a little toned down but the love has grown even stronger. Last year at this time we were a family of five, things weren’t perfect but for the most part we were happy and loving life. Then tragedy struck and ours lives were turned upside down, never to be the same again.
I guess the loss of a child is the very worst thing a mother can go through. Evidence of this fact is ever so clear on the grief board that I visit. We are a sisterhood of women who desperately wish we didn’t have the need to know each other. Child loss is a feeling that can’t be put into words, it’s horrific. But through the pain I am able to catch glimpses of hope and know that even though I don’t always feel so, I am blessed. One of my biggest blessings is Chris. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that God brought Chris into our lives. I’ve said this before - he’s my rock. I have no idea how I would have survived these past 7 months without his love, strength and constant understanding. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s my man and I love him.
Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you more than you know.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
For Me
I originally posted this on June 27, 2008 for Christy. She was awaiting knee replacement surgery and it had been postponed. I was in hopes that it would help her through her disappointment. Today I post it for myself............
"God is doing a greater work in us, and that can only come as we learn to trust him no matter how dark the days and sleepless the nights. And it is only as we have been through the darkness with him that what we know with our heads slides down into our hearts, and our hearts no longer demand answers. The Why? becomes unimportant when we believe that God can and will redeem the pain for our good and his glory.... When I put the sovereignty of God beside his unfailing love, my heart can rest."
Verdell Davis
"God is doing a greater work in us, and that can only come as we learn to trust him no matter how dark the days and sleepless the nights. And it is only as we have been through the darkness with him that what we know with our heads slides down into our hearts, and our hearts no longer demand answers. The Why? becomes unimportant when we believe that God can and will redeem the pain for our good and his glory.... When I put the sovereignty of God beside his unfailing love, my heart can rest."
Verdell Davis
Friday, April 17, 2009
Josh
Josh is dating again and I’m okay with it. Now it sucks on many levels, but for Josh I’m happy. I wish that Christy could still be here, making this post unnecessary, but she’s not and nothing we say or do will change that. Josh is a young man and his life must go on. I get that, I hope you do too.
What Josh does, or doesn’t do, from this point forward will never change what he did for Christy. Here is a list of some of the reasons why I could never be angry with Josh for moving on.
- He loved my girl! Fully and completely.
- He did everything in his power to be a good husband to her, and he was.
- He never once expected less from her – and if you knew Christy then you know this was important to her.
- He never once complained about her.
- He cared for her physical needs as well, or maybe better, than I did.
- He always wanted the very best for her.
- Whatever she dreamed of, he told her was possible.
- He brought her more joy and happiness than anyone else could.
- He made her biggest dream in life, to be a wife, come true.
- He went to doctors appointments with her and asked the questions that she was afraid to ask.
- The answers to those questions never scared him away.
- When she hurt, he hurt.
- When she cried, he cried.
- When she was in the hospital with no knowledge of anything, he sat at her bedside and loved her all the more.
- He was her man and she LOVED him, making me love him too.
- He loved my girl! Fully and completely.
Josh, I wish you the very best life offers. I pray that God gives you a future that is happy and full of love. You deserve it. Thank you so much for making my sweet girl so happy.
I love you!
Momma J
What Josh does, or doesn’t do, from this point forward will never change what he did for Christy. Here is a list of some of the reasons why I could never be angry with Josh for moving on.
- He loved my girl! Fully and completely.
- He did everything in his power to be a good husband to her, and he was.
- He never once expected less from her – and if you knew Christy then you know this was important to her.
- He never once complained about her.
- He cared for her physical needs as well, or maybe better, than I did.
- He always wanted the very best for her.
- Whatever she dreamed of, he told her was possible.
- He brought her more joy and happiness than anyone else could.
- He made her biggest dream in life, to be a wife, come true.
- He went to doctors appointments with her and asked the questions that she was afraid to ask.
- The answers to those questions never scared him away.
- When she hurt, he hurt.
- When she cried, he cried.
- When she was in the hospital with no knowledge of anything, he sat at her bedside and loved her all the more.
- He was her man and she LOVED him, making me love him too.
- He loved my girl! Fully and completely.
Josh, I wish you the very best life offers. I pray that God gives you a future that is happy and full of love. You deserve it. Thank you so much for making my sweet girl so happy.
I love you!
Momma J
Thursday, April 9, 2009
For Lori
My dearest friend. I love you so much, and the fact that you loved my girl just makes me love you more.
April 15th is one of the most special days of the year for me. On that date in 1980 I received one of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever been given, my precious Christy. Celebrating will be hard this year since she will not be here with us. But the day will be just as meaningful to me this year as it has been for the previous 29. I WILL celebrate her birth.
You shared this date with Christy in a way that the rest of us couldn’t. I know that in many ways it was probably great fun to share your birthday with a friend, but now your birthday has a scar - one that will always be there. For this, my friend, I am so very sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you, for all of us. But as you know, there is not.
I’m sure you will spend much of your birthday thinking about Christy. But when you do, remember all the birthdays the two of you spent together, try to focus on the good times. And join me as I celebrate a life that was more beautiful than any other I’ve known.
I love you Lori! Please pray for me as I pray for you.
Your sister,
Julie
April 15th is one of the most special days of the year for me. On that date in 1980 I received one of the sweetest gifts I’ve ever been given, my precious Christy. Celebrating will be hard this year since she will not be here with us. But the day will be just as meaningful to me this year as it has been for the previous 29. I WILL celebrate her birth.
You shared this date with Christy in a way that the rest of us couldn’t. I know that in many ways it was probably great fun to share your birthday with a friend, but now your birthday has a scar - one that will always be there. For this, my friend, I am so very sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you, for all of us. But as you know, there is not.
I’m sure you will spend much of your birthday thinking about Christy. But when you do, remember all the birthdays the two of you spent together, try to focus on the good times. And join me as I celebrate a life that was more beautiful than any other I’ve known.
I love you Lori! Please pray for me as I pray for you.
Your sister,
Julie
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dreams
Chris thinks it’s so funny that I can remember dreams with much detail. I’ve always been one to have lots of dreams and to remember them. Now, I’m not at all sure that I remember all of my dreams but I can usually recall at least one dream from the previous night.
When I was a teenager I remember having the same dream every night. In my dream I was a toddler sitting at the top of a staircase in a rocking chair and as most toddlers will do while in a rocker, I was rocking. I got too close to the edge of the steps and tumbled down, chair and all. Finally, after years of this same dream, I told my mother about it. She looked at me and said, “That really happened when you were about two.” Huh, imagine that. I've never had that dream again.
I’ve known people to dream of deceased loved ones telling them they are in a beautiful place and they’re very happy. Telling them not to worry, they feel complete and wonderful. The hair on my arms stands straight up when I hear these stories. My dream was a bit different………
Chris, Josh, Kyle and I were in this room, no clue where – it’s a dream, they don’t always make sense. Christy came in, now we knew instantly that it was Christy but it didn’t look anything like her. She was wearing this incredibly elaborate outfit, kinda like something Padme’ (Natalie Portman) wore in the Star Wars movies when she was dressed in her queen gear. Someone else was with her; we didn’t know who this person was. Whoever it was wasn’t in human form, more of a spirit. Christy didn’t tell us she was happy but we could feel her happiness. It was overwhelming. We were so excited for her we didn’t even have words to describe it. My body felt a joy it has never felt before and I knew that everyone else felt it too. I asked Christy if her Moffie’s (grandmothers) were there with her and she said yes. Then I asked about her papaw and papa and she looked at me a little strangely and said no. (Which totally makes sense, they are both still living.) Then I asked about someone from our past, who I won’t name here but who is deceased, and she sadly said no. Then she was gone. Kyle and I (Chris and Josh had just disappeared) were jumping up and down with excitement. Kyle couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful he felt and how happy Christy was. We were both overjoyed. Then I woke up. My body was still feeling that overwhelming feeling, a complete joy that I have never felt before.
My only explanation is that this dream was a gift from God and I praise Him and thank Him for it.
Missing my girl, but rejoicing in the knowledge that she’s joyously complete,
Julie
When I was a teenager I remember having the same dream every night. In my dream I was a toddler sitting at the top of a staircase in a rocking chair and as most toddlers will do while in a rocker, I was rocking. I got too close to the edge of the steps and tumbled down, chair and all. Finally, after years of this same dream, I told my mother about it. She looked at me and said, “That really happened when you were about two.” Huh, imagine that. I've never had that dream again.
I’ve known people to dream of deceased loved ones telling them they are in a beautiful place and they’re very happy. Telling them not to worry, they feel complete and wonderful. The hair on my arms stands straight up when I hear these stories. My dream was a bit different………
Chris, Josh, Kyle and I were in this room, no clue where – it’s a dream, they don’t always make sense. Christy came in, now we knew instantly that it was Christy but it didn’t look anything like her. She was wearing this incredibly elaborate outfit, kinda like something Padme’ (Natalie Portman) wore in the Star Wars movies when she was dressed in her queen gear. Someone else was with her; we didn’t know who this person was. Whoever it was wasn’t in human form, more of a spirit. Christy didn’t tell us she was happy but we could feel her happiness. It was overwhelming. We were so excited for her we didn’t even have words to describe it. My body felt a joy it has never felt before and I knew that everyone else felt it too. I asked Christy if her Moffie’s (grandmothers) were there with her and she said yes. Then I asked about her papaw and papa and she looked at me a little strangely and said no. (Which totally makes sense, they are both still living.) Then I asked about someone from our past, who I won’t name here but who is deceased, and she sadly said no. Then she was gone. Kyle and I (Chris and Josh had just disappeared) were jumping up and down with excitement. Kyle couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful he felt and how happy Christy was. We were both overjoyed. Then I woke up. My body was still feeling that overwhelming feeling, a complete joy that I have never felt before.
My only explanation is that this dream was a gift from God and I praise Him and thank Him for it.
Missing my girl, but rejoicing in the knowledge that she’s joyously complete,
Julie
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Grief
by Gwen Flowers
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thank You
Julie, family, and friends,
Thank you all so much for the generous donation of gift cards to our children and families. We created 52 gift packages for children and families who were here Dec. 25. We used some gift cards then. We used some before for families who were discharged a day or two before and had no resources to provide gifts for their children. We again gave some to some children and families last week, because it was dreary and depressing. The smiles the gift cards bring would warm your hearts on the coldest of days.
We shared some of the gift cards with our social worker, who has given them to families needing gas and food. We have a few remaining, which we will give to children who are deserving. I think Christy would be pleased with the help and joy the gift cards have brought to the families at KY Children’s Hospital. Each of you should be please with the good works you have made possible with your generosity.
Thank you again!
Judi Martin CCLS
Child Life Coordinator
Kentucky Children's Hospital
800 Rose Street
Lexington, KY 40536-0293
859-323-6551
jamart8@email.uky.edu
Thank you all so much for the generous donation of gift cards to our children and families. We created 52 gift packages for children and families who were here Dec. 25. We used some gift cards then. We used some before for families who were discharged a day or two before and had no resources to provide gifts for their children. We again gave some to some children and families last week, because it was dreary and depressing. The smiles the gift cards bring would warm your hearts on the coldest of days.
We shared some of the gift cards with our social worker, who has given them to families needing gas and food. We have a few remaining, which we will give to children who are deserving. I think Christy would be pleased with the help and joy the gift cards have brought to the families at KY Children’s Hospital. Each of you should be please with the good works you have made possible with your generosity.
Thank you again!
Judi Martin CCLS
Child Life Coordinator
Kentucky Children's Hospital
800 Rose Street
Lexington, KY 40536-0293
859-323-6551
jamart8@email.uky.edu
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Just a small list of the things I miss about Christy
That big smile.
Her infectious laugh.
The funny sleep sounds.
Her when we all sit down to eat together.
That sparkle in her eye when children were around.
Her sweetness.
The way she loved – fully, completely.
Her strength.
Her wit.
The way she always matched her dress to Josh’s tie for church.
Her touch.
“Why do you even have a cell phone?!”
Deep discussions about Dancing With The Stars and American Idol.
Daily e-mailing.
Answering the phone to her voice.
Lazy afternoons basking in the sun on the porch swing.
The frenzy that ensued when she talked to Jack on the phone.
New Kids On The Block.
Pulling her hair up.
Phase 10.
Shopping.
Shaking our heads simultaneously while laughing at the boys.
Walking slowly.
Going for haircuts together.
That little rebellious side – yes, she had one!
“Love you.”
I was of the understanding that this would get easier. It’s just getting harder with every passing day. Just more time to miss my girl.
Her infectious laugh.
The funny sleep sounds.
Her when we all sit down to eat together.
That sparkle in her eye when children were around.
Her sweetness.
The way she loved – fully, completely.
Her strength.
Her wit.
The way she always matched her dress to Josh’s tie for church.
Her touch.
“Why do you even have a cell phone?!”
Deep discussions about Dancing With The Stars and American Idol.
Daily e-mailing.
Answering the phone to her voice.
Lazy afternoons basking in the sun on the porch swing.
The frenzy that ensued when she talked to Jack on the phone.
New Kids On The Block.
Pulling her hair up.
Phase 10.
Shopping.
Shaking our heads simultaneously while laughing at the boys.
Walking slowly.
Going for haircuts together.
That little rebellious side – yes, she had one!
“Love you.”
I was of the understanding that this would get easier. It’s just getting harder with every passing day. Just more time to miss my girl.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Passover Mentality
I am currently reading a book by Dennis Apple titled ‘life after the death of my son – what i’m learning.’ The following is taken from that book. I feel as though these words were snatched out of my own head………
In that tragic moment I felt as though God had abandoned me, and I identified with Jesus’ words when He screamed out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46). I would scream out those words several times in the days to come as the fog enveloped me and my family.
I would never have said this out loud to anyone, but in my mind I had the mistaken idea that tragedies like this simply don’t happen to those of us who are ministers. I’m not quite sure where this notion came from, but I suppose it has something to do with the Old Testament story of the first Passover as found in Exodus 11-12. The children of Israel gained protection from the death angel as they placed the blood of the Passover lamb over their doors as instructed by Moses. The firstborn of all Egyptian families were slain on that fateful night, but the faithful Israelite families were safe. I thought we were safe too! Looking back, I have told others that I had the “Passover mentality” but realize now that being a minister does not exempt me from tragedy.
Still hurting,
Julie
In that tragic moment I felt as though God had abandoned me, and I identified with Jesus’ words when He screamed out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46). I would scream out those words several times in the days to come as the fog enveloped me and my family.
I would never have said this out loud to anyone, but in my mind I had the mistaken idea that tragedies like this simply don’t happen to those of us who are ministers. I’m not quite sure where this notion came from, but I suppose it has something to do with the Old Testament story of the first Passover as found in Exodus 11-12. The children of Israel gained protection from the death angel as they placed the blood of the Passover lamb over their doors as instructed by Moses. The firstborn of all Egyptian families were slain on that fateful night, but the faithful Israelite families were safe. I thought we were safe too! Looking back, I have told others that I had the “Passover mentality” but realize now that being a minister does not exempt me from tragedy.
Still hurting,
Julie
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A Glimpse of the Past
A couple of years ago I started chatting, via e-mail, with a very dear friend who is faced with the challenge of raising a child with health issues. My e-mails were intended to encourage her and I pray that they did, but they also encouraged me. I relayed much of Christy’s medical history to her through those e-mails. BTW – I did have Christy’s permission to share, I always tried to be respectful of that. I saved all of the e-mails. At the time I wasn’t sure why, now I know why. I thought I would share portions of them with you. This post may jump around some but this is a compilation of several e-mails. This is pretty long so you may want to get a diet coke and some chips, I mean veggies to snack on.
When Christy was 2 1/2 she started crying when she would stand in the mornings, she also did this when she woke up from a nap. She wouldn't let you stand her up, she would curl her legs up under her butt and just refuse to stand. She would be fine after being awake for 20-30 minutes and she remained very active otherwise. I took her to the doctor and she thought that it was probably just growing pains. That was around Nov through March of 1982 & 1983. Then nothing until November or so of 1984. My mom had died of breast cancer in August of that year and I was still trying to recover from that when it all started again, only this time it seemed to be worse. My pediatrician was having a difficult pregnancy and wasn't seeing patients so I was going to her associate, who will remain nameless because I know lots of people who love him. Anyway, he just couldn't find anything wrong with her. I kept telling him that the problem was only when she first woke up. He scheduled all of these odd appointments for me trying to see her when she first got up in the morning or from a nap. But by the time I would get her up and get all the way to Lexington, she would be fine. We probably saw him at least once a week for several months. He ran all kinds of tests on her, blood work, x-rays, you name it, and nothing. The last time I went to him he took me in his office and sat me down and told me he thought I needed counseling, and he was serious. Here I was crying every time my baby woke up because I couldn't make her stand on her two feet and this man thought I was a nut job. I left that office hysterical and swore I would never go back. So I found a new pediatrician and she diagnosed Christy the very first time she saw her. Which made me both happy and sad. My grandfather, who I loved dearly, had a very serious case of rheumatoid arthritis, so I knew first hand what that was going to look like. His started when he was four and I now know, even though my granddaddy was never diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, that he had it too. His father died at the age of 36 from a morphine overdose trying to control the pain from his rheumatoid arthritis. So, there we were. My sweet beautiful little girl facing a life of pain and agony. How was a mother to cope? Dr. Lynd was great, she started Christy on aspirin, which is always the first drug used for JRA (RA too). It worked for a while and when it stopped working she started her on gold shots, yes real gold. In some patients the gold coats the joints and helps them to move more fluently but it never really did much for Christy. The very first day we saw Dr. Lynd she told me about the program at Children's in Cincinnati and told me that she wanted Christy to go there. We were all for it but it was going to take some time to get her accepted into the program. They only accepted kids that had severe cases and the waiting list was very long. Things went pretty well for us during the two year wait to go to Children's, life was fairly normal. We just always had to wake up early so that Christy felt well by the time she needed to go anywhere. Baths had to be taken in the morning, as they always made her feel better.
We went to Cincinnati the first time in November of 1985, they were great and we felt very confident when we left there. Her rheumatologist was Dr. Joseph Levinson, an older man but as we learned later, the country's top pediatric rheumatologist. We were coming back in January for a two week stay at the hospital for intense physical therapy, Dr. Levinson thought it would help her mobility. I was 6 months pregnant with Kyle that January and already pretty uncomfortable. They admitted her on a Sunday and on Monday started a ton of tests. At the end of that day Dr. Levinson took us into a consultation room and we were told that they believed Christy had lung cancer. He flipped on the switch for the x-ray and it certainly didn't take a genius to see that both lungs were completely covered. I was devastated, I had lost my mother to cancer only two years prior and now I thought my baby had it. I couldn't have felt any worse. They took her into surgery the next morning for a lung biopsy. They would send the specimen off for testing and we should know the results within days. The days turned into two weeks and still no conclusive answer. We went home knowing that she didn't have cancer but not knowing what she did have. It turns out that there were 3 other cases in all of the United States of kids with rheumatoid nodgels in their lungs and I now had number 4. If it's rare, Christy wants to hop on that bus!
After the cancer scare and recovery from that Kyle was born and my life turned upside down for other reasons, which I won't go into detail about but as you know it all ended in an ugly divorce. It was a mess and a difficult time for all of us. Arthritis tends to flare when you're under stress so this was a pretty hard time for Christy. I settled into being a single mom with two kids and we did the best we could. In the summer of 1989 Christy was admitted again to Children's just as I started a new job. What a nightmare. I had to work, she was in Cincinnati and so I spent hour’s everyday driving back and forth. Her grandmother(Moffie) stayed with her most of the week and I stayed on weekends. I drove up after work every day and would spend a couple of weeknights too. I would get up early and drive back to Lexington to work. A difficult time but worth it, Christy responded well to the intense therapy and life was good. She was hospitalized again a couple of years later for most of the fall months. She was admitted in September, came home for the Thanksgiving weekend and finally released about 10 days before Christmas. Arthritis has times of active disease and times of remission, during her bouts of active disease they wanted her in therapy most of the day in hopes of controlling it somewhat. Looking back on those days I wonder how I ever survived it. I would leave Kyle with my sister-in-law and he would be bawling his eyes out begging me not to leave him but how could I leave Christy in that big ole hospital without me? Children's was great about letting siblings stay too so on weekends Kyle would go with me. I often wondered if his little mind thought that place was Christy's home. By the grace of God we survived it all.
You know what always really bugged the crap out of me? Total strangers would walk up to me and ask me what was "wrong" with her. My standard answer was, "nothing, why do you ask?" I'm so hateful!! Then, I can't tell you how many men would ask me if she was going to Shriners Hospital, and no matter how much explaining I tried to do they always insisted I should take her there. (They were shriners and I think you had to be referred by a shriner to go, so they thought they were doing me a favor). My sister-in-law was with us one time at the Jessamine Jamboree when a lady asked Christy what was wrong with her, my SIL's head did a 360 and she looked straight at that woman and said, "What the hell is wrong with you"? I just grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away explaining that it was just best to ignore people’s ignorance. But that stuff really drove me insane. The hardest part was trying to help Christy understand how ignorant people can be. I know they didn't ask to be mean, but as a little girl she had a hard time understanding that. My own family made me crazy too. The doctors at Children's made it perfectly clear that I had to MAKE Christy do everything she was capable of doing, so I always did. She would pout and whine sometimes, and of course I would always help her with things she just couldn't do, but she always had to try. Anyway, my family thought I was being cruel to her. My Granny told me once that I was the meanest mother she'd ever seen, "How can you sit back and watch that baby struggle and tell us we can't help her?" Hum, because I love her and I want what's best for her. My Granny just loved her so much that she couldn't stand to watch her struggle. Granny just didn't understand that she had to struggle to persevere.
The teenage years were really hard for Christy too. I remember one night in particular, I was sitting in the living room watching TV when she walked in, sat down with me and just started bawling. She asked me if she would ever be asked out on a date. Well, I can't tell you how very difficult it was for me not to just start crying with her, but I sat there for a minute and then just started talking. I know now looking back that God directed those words but at the time I was thinking, where is this coming from? I told her that yes, she would date and that one day she would fall in love and that the person she loved would love her too. I even told her that I knew he was gonna be a pastor. Can you believe that? We just sat there for a long time, her crying and me talking and stroking her hair. We had way too many nights like that.
When you have a child with health issues school can be interesting. With the exception of one jerk Christy always had amazing teachers. The school provided Christy with physical therapy twice a week, which was wonderful but she hated it. She just didn't like to be singled out because of her arthritis for anything, she didn't want to be different from any of the other kids in any way. When she was in middle school the husband of one of her therapists from Children's accepted a job at UK and Sandy (the therapist) was hired to be the school therapist for Jessamine County. We were so thrilled with that, she knew Christy upside down and inside out. She remained the school therapist until Christy graduated. (I think she's still there.) Sandy would attend all of my IEP meetings, I'm not sure what IEP stands for but all kids with health care needs fall into the program. All of Christy's teachers, her guidance counselor, and principal would attend these meetings. They are designed to set goals for your kids and make sure the school system is doing everything possible to meet these goals. During Sandy's first year there she asked if the Board of Ed would buy Christy a laptop to do homework, holding a pencil can be very difficult for arthritic hands, and they did. It's a great program but I think that as a parent you need to be extra involved to make sure your kid gets everything they need.
Okay, I'm sharing something here that Christy never knew. When she was in 8th grade someone from the Friendship Study at Cincy Children's called me and asked if I would allow them to do a study on Christy. They explained everything to me and I did allow the study. They contacted her principal, and only the principal knew who they were actually studying, and she agreed too. They came to her class, it was her English class, and told the class they were doing a friendship study. They presented themselves as being from the University of Cincinnati, Christy thought they were from the college not the hospital. They gave the kids about 5 pages worth of questions to answer. Questions like...............Who is the most attractive student in your class? Who is the least attractive student in your class? If there was a fire drill, which student would need help exiting the building? Would you be willing to help this student exit the building? Who is the smartest student in the class? Who is the least smart student in the class? Who is your best friend in the class? Who is your least favorite person in the class? All of this was done to see how kids with disabilities are accepted by their peers. They gave me the option of knowing the results of the study and warned me that sometimes the results were hurtful. I did ask to receive the results and I was very pleased to learn that Christy was very well accepted and loved by her fellow students. I know that a lot of people would have said no to the study but these kids have such a hard time being accepted and I really wanted to do anything I could to help find answers for them.
Well, that’s it for the e-mails. Maybe I will continue to write about Christy’s past and the disease that controlled much of her life.
Thanks for letting me share.
Loving my girl,
Julie
When Christy was 2 1/2 she started crying when she would stand in the mornings, she also did this when she woke up from a nap. She wouldn't let you stand her up, she would curl her legs up under her butt and just refuse to stand. She would be fine after being awake for 20-30 minutes and she remained very active otherwise. I took her to the doctor and she thought that it was probably just growing pains. That was around Nov through March of 1982 & 1983. Then nothing until November or so of 1984. My mom had died of breast cancer in August of that year and I was still trying to recover from that when it all started again, only this time it seemed to be worse. My pediatrician was having a difficult pregnancy and wasn't seeing patients so I was going to her associate, who will remain nameless because I know lots of people who love him. Anyway, he just couldn't find anything wrong with her. I kept telling him that the problem was only when she first woke up. He scheduled all of these odd appointments for me trying to see her when she first got up in the morning or from a nap. But by the time I would get her up and get all the way to Lexington, she would be fine. We probably saw him at least once a week for several months. He ran all kinds of tests on her, blood work, x-rays, you name it, and nothing. The last time I went to him he took me in his office and sat me down and told me he thought I needed counseling, and he was serious. Here I was crying every time my baby woke up because I couldn't make her stand on her two feet and this man thought I was a nut job. I left that office hysterical and swore I would never go back. So I found a new pediatrician and she diagnosed Christy the very first time she saw her. Which made me both happy and sad. My grandfather, who I loved dearly, had a very serious case of rheumatoid arthritis, so I knew first hand what that was going to look like. His started when he was four and I now know, even though my granddaddy was never diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, that he had it too. His father died at the age of 36 from a morphine overdose trying to control the pain from his rheumatoid arthritis. So, there we were. My sweet beautiful little girl facing a life of pain and agony. How was a mother to cope? Dr. Lynd was great, she started Christy on aspirin, which is always the first drug used for JRA (RA too). It worked for a while and when it stopped working she started her on gold shots, yes real gold. In some patients the gold coats the joints and helps them to move more fluently but it never really did much for Christy. The very first day we saw Dr. Lynd she told me about the program at Children's in Cincinnati and told me that she wanted Christy to go there. We were all for it but it was going to take some time to get her accepted into the program. They only accepted kids that had severe cases and the waiting list was very long. Things went pretty well for us during the two year wait to go to Children's, life was fairly normal. We just always had to wake up early so that Christy felt well by the time she needed to go anywhere. Baths had to be taken in the morning, as they always made her feel better.
We went to Cincinnati the first time in November of 1985, they were great and we felt very confident when we left there. Her rheumatologist was Dr. Joseph Levinson, an older man but as we learned later, the country's top pediatric rheumatologist. We were coming back in January for a two week stay at the hospital for intense physical therapy, Dr. Levinson thought it would help her mobility. I was 6 months pregnant with Kyle that January and already pretty uncomfortable. They admitted her on a Sunday and on Monday started a ton of tests. At the end of that day Dr. Levinson took us into a consultation room and we were told that they believed Christy had lung cancer. He flipped on the switch for the x-ray and it certainly didn't take a genius to see that both lungs were completely covered. I was devastated, I had lost my mother to cancer only two years prior and now I thought my baby had it. I couldn't have felt any worse. They took her into surgery the next morning for a lung biopsy. They would send the specimen off for testing and we should know the results within days. The days turned into two weeks and still no conclusive answer. We went home knowing that she didn't have cancer but not knowing what she did have. It turns out that there were 3 other cases in all of the United States of kids with rheumatoid nodgels in their lungs and I now had number 4. If it's rare, Christy wants to hop on that bus!
After the cancer scare and recovery from that Kyle was born and my life turned upside down for other reasons, which I won't go into detail about but as you know it all ended in an ugly divorce. It was a mess and a difficult time for all of us. Arthritis tends to flare when you're under stress so this was a pretty hard time for Christy. I settled into being a single mom with two kids and we did the best we could. In the summer of 1989 Christy was admitted again to Children's just as I started a new job. What a nightmare. I had to work, she was in Cincinnati and so I spent hour’s everyday driving back and forth. Her grandmother(Moffie) stayed with her most of the week and I stayed on weekends. I drove up after work every day and would spend a couple of weeknights too. I would get up early and drive back to Lexington to work. A difficult time but worth it, Christy responded well to the intense therapy and life was good. She was hospitalized again a couple of years later for most of the fall months. She was admitted in September, came home for the Thanksgiving weekend and finally released about 10 days before Christmas. Arthritis has times of active disease and times of remission, during her bouts of active disease they wanted her in therapy most of the day in hopes of controlling it somewhat. Looking back on those days I wonder how I ever survived it. I would leave Kyle with my sister-in-law and he would be bawling his eyes out begging me not to leave him but how could I leave Christy in that big ole hospital without me? Children's was great about letting siblings stay too so on weekends Kyle would go with me. I often wondered if his little mind thought that place was Christy's home. By the grace of God we survived it all.
You know what always really bugged the crap out of me? Total strangers would walk up to me and ask me what was "wrong" with her. My standard answer was, "nothing, why do you ask?" I'm so hateful!! Then, I can't tell you how many men would ask me if she was going to Shriners Hospital, and no matter how much explaining I tried to do they always insisted I should take her there. (They were shriners and I think you had to be referred by a shriner to go, so they thought they were doing me a favor). My sister-in-law was with us one time at the Jessamine Jamboree when a lady asked Christy what was wrong with her, my SIL's head did a 360 and she looked straight at that woman and said, "What the hell is wrong with you"? I just grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away explaining that it was just best to ignore people’s ignorance. But that stuff really drove me insane. The hardest part was trying to help Christy understand how ignorant people can be. I know they didn't ask to be mean, but as a little girl she had a hard time understanding that. My own family made me crazy too. The doctors at Children's made it perfectly clear that I had to MAKE Christy do everything she was capable of doing, so I always did. She would pout and whine sometimes, and of course I would always help her with things she just couldn't do, but she always had to try. Anyway, my family thought I was being cruel to her. My Granny told me once that I was the meanest mother she'd ever seen, "How can you sit back and watch that baby struggle and tell us we can't help her?" Hum, because I love her and I want what's best for her. My Granny just loved her so much that she couldn't stand to watch her struggle. Granny just didn't understand that she had to struggle to persevere.
The teenage years were really hard for Christy too. I remember one night in particular, I was sitting in the living room watching TV when she walked in, sat down with me and just started bawling. She asked me if she would ever be asked out on a date. Well, I can't tell you how very difficult it was for me not to just start crying with her, but I sat there for a minute and then just started talking. I know now looking back that God directed those words but at the time I was thinking, where is this coming from? I told her that yes, she would date and that one day she would fall in love and that the person she loved would love her too. I even told her that I knew he was gonna be a pastor. Can you believe that? We just sat there for a long time, her crying and me talking and stroking her hair. We had way too many nights like that.
When you have a child with health issues school can be interesting. With the exception of one jerk Christy always had amazing teachers. The school provided Christy with physical therapy twice a week, which was wonderful but she hated it. She just didn't like to be singled out because of her arthritis for anything, she didn't want to be different from any of the other kids in any way. When she was in middle school the husband of one of her therapists from Children's accepted a job at UK and Sandy (the therapist) was hired to be the school therapist for Jessamine County. We were so thrilled with that, she knew Christy upside down and inside out. She remained the school therapist until Christy graduated. (I think she's still there.) Sandy would attend all of my IEP meetings, I'm not sure what IEP stands for but all kids with health care needs fall into the program. All of Christy's teachers, her guidance counselor, and principal would attend these meetings. They are designed to set goals for your kids and make sure the school system is doing everything possible to meet these goals. During Sandy's first year there she asked if the Board of Ed would buy Christy a laptop to do homework, holding a pencil can be very difficult for arthritic hands, and they did. It's a great program but I think that as a parent you need to be extra involved to make sure your kid gets everything they need.
Okay, I'm sharing something here that Christy never knew. When she was in 8th grade someone from the Friendship Study at Cincy Children's called me and asked if I would allow them to do a study on Christy. They explained everything to me and I did allow the study. They contacted her principal, and only the principal knew who they were actually studying, and she agreed too. They came to her class, it was her English class, and told the class they were doing a friendship study. They presented themselves as being from the University of Cincinnati, Christy thought they were from the college not the hospital. They gave the kids about 5 pages worth of questions to answer. Questions like...............Who is the most attractive student in your class? Who is the least attractive student in your class? If there was a fire drill, which student would need help exiting the building? Would you be willing to help this student exit the building? Who is the smartest student in the class? Who is the least smart student in the class? Who is your best friend in the class? Who is your least favorite person in the class? All of this was done to see how kids with disabilities are accepted by their peers. They gave me the option of knowing the results of the study and warned me that sometimes the results were hurtful. I did ask to receive the results and I was very pleased to learn that Christy was very well accepted and loved by her fellow students. I know that a lot of people would have said no to the study but these kids have such a hard time being accepted and I really wanted to do anything I could to help find answers for them.
Well, that’s it for the e-mails. Maybe I will continue to write about Christy’s past and the disease that controlled much of her life.
Thanks for letting me share.
Loving my girl,
Julie
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Adventures of a Dog & Cat
Most of my posts these days are complete downers so I thought I would change directions for a minute.
Monday night Chris and I actually went to bed at 10 o’clock. Now, that’s been the norm for us these past few months, that is until our great tile project (thanks Cy for all of your hard work). But Monday night Cy came over early and left early so we took advantage and went to bed early. So, by 10:05 I was sound asleep. At around 11:30 or so our bedroom door comes flying open and Kyle, in a VERY panicked voice says, “Jack ran off and I can’t find him!” Chris and I both come flying out of the bed and run out the back door yelling for Jack, me in my PJ’s and Chris in his undies. I’m sure we were a beautiful sight for the neighbors and those who just happened to drive by. Most of you are probably thinking, it’s just a dog, and you’re right but my nerves are very fragile these days plus, we really do LOVE this dog. And he’s NEVER done this before.
So Kyle jumped in his truck and took off driving through the neighborhood. Well, he found our sweet little Jackie taking a pee on a fire hydrant, one street over and about 5 houses up. Jack just looked at Kyle like, ‘Hey dad, how’d you get here?’ When Kyle gave the scolding ‘Jack’, sweet little Jackie laid those ears back and cowered down like, ‘but I was just taking a pee dad.’ So, Kyle brings the sweet little tater face back home and we went back to bed, though it took a while to get back to sleep since the heart was beating so hard.
Earlier on Monday when Cy had first gotten to our house he told Chris that he smelled a strong odor of cat poop. Cy was working in our main bathroom which is where the cat box normally lives, but with all of the tile work going on it’s been getting moved around a lot. The box has to be in a place where it can be gated off because you can’t really leave a cat’s litter box where a dog can have access to it or the dog will, as Chris says, eat a tootsie roll (dogs can be nasty). So in protest and because that’s just how cats are, Max took a big ole poop right IN FRONT of his litter box. Thankfully this happened before I got home from work! We have established a rule with hairballs, whoever finds it has to clean it up. So I’m guessing that because of that rule, or maybe because of the stench, Chris cleaned up the poo. We moved the box back to the bathroom as quickly as possible. Side note - we haven’t really had to clean up any hairballs since Jack came along. Nasty dog!
Animals, you just gotta love them or else you’d kill them.
Monday night Chris and I actually went to bed at 10 o’clock. Now, that’s been the norm for us these past few months, that is until our great tile project (thanks Cy for all of your hard work). But Monday night Cy came over early and left early so we took advantage and went to bed early. So, by 10:05 I was sound asleep. At around 11:30 or so our bedroom door comes flying open and Kyle, in a VERY panicked voice says, “Jack ran off and I can’t find him!” Chris and I both come flying out of the bed and run out the back door yelling for Jack, me in my PJ’s and Chris in his undies. I’m sure we were a beautiful sight for the neighbors and those who just happened to drive by. Most of you are probably thinking, it’s just a dog, and you’re right but my nerves are very fragile these days plus, we really do LOVE this dog. And he’s NEVER done this before.
So Kyle jumped in his truck and took off driving through the neighborhood. Well, he found our sweet little Jackie taking a pee on a fire hydrant, one street over and about 5 houses up. Jack just looked at Kyle like, ‘Hey dad, how’d you get here?’ When Kyle gave the scolding ‘Jack’, sweet little Jackie laid those ears back and cowered down like, ‘but I was just taking a pee dad.’ So, Kyle brings the sweet little tater face back home and we went back to bed, though it took a while to get back to sleep since the heart was beating so hard.
Earlier on Monday when Cy had first gotten to our house he told Chris that he smelled a strong odor of cat poop. Cy was working in our main bathroom which is where the cat box normally lives, but with all of the tile work going on it’s been getting moved around a lot. The box has to be in a place where it can be gated off because you can’t really leave a cat’s litter box where a dog can have access to it or the dog will, as Chris says, eat a tootsie roll (dogs can be nasty). So in protest and because that’s just how cats are, Max took a big ole poop right IN FRONT of his litter box. Thankfully this happened before I got home from work! We have established a rule with hairballs, whoever finds it has to clean it up. So I’m guessing that because of that rule, or maybe because of the stench, Chris cleaned up the poo. We moved the box back to the bathroom as quickly as possible. Side note - we haven’t really had to clean up any hairballs since Jack came along. Nasty dog!
Animals, you just gotta love them or else you’d kill them.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Ponytails
When Christy was young she mostly wore her hair in ponytails. Around the age of five or six I decided to get her pretty blonde hair cut. I took her somewhere (I don’t remember where) with her hair in a ponytail and asked them to cut it. The girl asked me if I wanted to keep her hair, I said yes so she just whacked off the ponytail. It was held by one of those old fashioned ponytail holders, the ones shaped like a figure eight with a little ball in each of the loops. I took it home, placed it in a plastic bag and forgot about it. Now, I’ve moved many times since then so I’m sure I’ve run across the ponytail numerous times before, but I wasn’t really prepared to find it Tuesday night. I was looking through my sock drawer, I stash junk in the bottom of my sock drawer, and there was that beautiful curly blonde, with just the hint of red, ponytail. It was in its plastic bag all sealed up. I opened it and smelled her hair, hoping to smell Christy again. But I’m the mother who always wanted Christy’s hair to look perfect, so the hair smelled like hairspray. I was disappointed. I played with the curls for a few minutes, placed it back in its bag and reburied it in the bottom of my sock drawer. It made me both happy and sad.
Missing my little ponytail girl,
Julie
Missing my little ponytail girl,
Julie
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Name Change
I now hate the name of my blog. When I titled it, it was because I was struggling with my kids living away from home. Now the struggle is very different and the nest of my heart will forever be partially empty. So, I need a new blog name. I'm taking suggestions so please leave your ideas in my comments.
Thanks,
Julie
Thanks,
Julie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)