As many of you know, my prayer life has been almost nonexistent since October 11th. I’ve been struggling daily with talking to God. If I’ve told you that I would pray for you, then I have. I just don’t get personal with God at all. I’ve asked a lot of you to pray for me about this and I really appreciate those of you who have. I’m not sure how long this prayer drought will last, but God knows my heart and right now I’m holding on to that.
Last night after Chris and I left Fiesta Mexico, we actually met there so I had my own car, I stopped by the cemetery. Music has really spoken to my heart since Christy’s death; so many songs speak of where I am. So, as I was pulling out of the cemetery this song began to play on the radio. I had never heard it before or of the group but I knew the minute the song started it was going to be meaningful to me. I could have written this song myself, it speaks my heart so clearly. There is no video, only audio, so you can follow along with the lyrics underneath the link. The group is Mikeschair (yes, all one word) and the song is titled “Let the Waters Rise.”
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Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here
Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You
God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You
Following Him,
Julie
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Until Death Do Us Part
My head is so full of blog posts that it’s a mess. I’m going to do my best to separate them into something that makes sense.
Saturday was my birthday, my first birthday without Christy since 1979. It really wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, maybe because I had a very vivid dream about her on Friday night. Many times when I dream about her she doesn’t speak, but she did a lot of talking in this dream. I can’t really say it was a good dream, though not really bad either, but she was so Christy in the dream that when I woke up I REALLY felt like I had been in her presence. When I got up I felt wonderful and even laughed at her reaction (in the dream) to the predicament she had found herself in. I spent the day feeling her love and her closeness, it was almost impossible to feel sad. God blessed me with that and I so appreciate it.
A week ago Saturday was Josh and Kristen’s wedding day. I had a bit of a hard time but was able to hold my composure throughout most of the ceremony. The hardest part for me was the vows. I’ve been to lots of weddings and heard wedding vows many times, but I had never really listened to them. On this day I did, as Josh spoke those words to Kristen I sat with my eyes closed. For some reason I just couldn’t allow myself to watch him making his vow to her. Until the very end…… “until death do us part.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. His vow to Christy was only until her death, wow! He vowed to his Lord and to her that he would love, honor and cherish her through sickness and in health, and keep himself only unto her until death parted them. I have never known a man who kept his vow more completely than Josh did. Realizing this in a new light made the rest of the ceremony and day much easier for me. I love you Josh, more than I would ever have thought possible and I truly wish you and Kristen all the happiness this world has to offer. I thank God that he made you to be just who you are! As my girl always reminded me, you are quite special!
Looking ahead to October 11th is extremely difficult. Please continue to pray that God will give me strength. It’s hard for me to think that almost an entire year of my life has passed without Christy. How can that be? Was there really life in these bones before her? Yet, here I am struggling to make it through every milestone while dreading the next.
Please continue to pray for my friend Traci and her family. Her mom is still fighting her battle with cancer and trusting her Lord every step of the way. Let’s all join together asking God for miraculous healing!
Thanks for checking in on me. I have many more blog posts in my head but will save them for another day.
Love to all,
Julie
Saturday was my birthday, my first birthday without Christy since 1979. It really wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, maybe because I had a very vivid dream about her on Friday night. Many times when I dream about her she doesn’t speak, but she did a lot of talking in this dream. I can’t really say it was a good dream, though not really bad either, but she was so Christy in the dream that when I woke up I REALLY felt like I had been in her presence. When I got up I felt wonderful and even laughed at her reaction (in the dream) to the predicament she had found herself in. I spent the day feeling her love and her closeness, it was almost impossible to feel sad. God blessed me with that and I so appreciate it.
A week ago Saturday was Josh and Kristen’s wedding day. I had a bit of a hard time but was able to hold my composure throughout most of the ceremony. The hardest part for me was the vows. I’ve been to lots of weddings and heard wedding vows many times, but I had never really listened to them. On this day I did, as Josh spoke those words to Kristen I sat with my eyes closed. For some reason I just couldn’t allow myself to watch him making his vow to her. Until the very end…… “until death do us part.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. His vow to Christy was only until her death, wow! He vowed to his Lord and to her that he would love, honor and cherish her through sickness and in health, and keep himself only unto her until death parted them. I have never known a man who kept his vow more completely than Josh did. Realizing this in a new light made the rest of the ceremony and day much easier for me. I love you Josh, more than I would ever have thought possible and I truly wish you and Kristen all the happiness this world has to offer. I thank God that he made you to be just who you are! As my girl always reminded me, you are quite special!
Looking ahead to October 11th is extremely difficult. Please continue to pray that God will give me strength. It’s hard for me to think that almost an entire year of my life has passed without Christy. How can that be? Was there really life in these bones before her? Yet, here I am struggling to make it through every milestone while dreading the next.
Please continue to pray for my friend Traci and her family. Her mom is still fighting her battle with cancer and trusting her Lord every step of the way. Let’s all join together asking God for miraculous healing!
Thanks for checking in on me. I have many more blog posts in my head but will save them for another day.
Love to all,
Julie
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Constant Grief
I haven’t posted for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. Christy is what consumes my thoughts, but do you guys really want to hear about only that? Over and over again? Well, I suppose this is my blog and she is part of my every thought. So…….
I’m wondering how long this ache inside is going to last? I’m guessing until I say good-bye to this earth and take my final breath. She is always with me, always. I seem to have the hardest time when I’m at work. My brain has too much time to wander, and of course it always wanders to her. I miss her so much that I can’t even describe it. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a physical longing for her. Can it really be that it’s been almost a year since she and I have been together? Seriously? And yet at other times I feel like it’s been forever. How is it that the world keeps turning, that babies are being born, that life is going on all around me, that I haven’t crumbled in a heap on the ground? How does a mother EVER let go of her child? It hurts so badly! When will this madness end?!!
Every day is hard. I sit at my desk working and waiting for time to go home. Believe it or not, it’s easier when I’m at home surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Oh, even then there are certainly times when Christy’s absence is painfully obvious but at least my mind isn’t in constant thought of her. At work, I think of little else.
My mom passed away when I was 22 years old. She had been sick most of my adult life, so we never really experienced the adult daughter - mother relationship. I was so enjoying that relationship with Christy. She was such a blessing! Her heart was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever known. She knew how to love and she did it with commitment! Not only that, she was honored to do it. She took her love seriously, never once taking it for granted. I wish I had never taken her for granted. More than anything, I wish God’s plans for Christy would have been for her to spend more time with us.
The next weeks and months aren’t going to be easy ones for me. Josh and Kristen are getting married a week from Saturday. I really don’t feel like I’m bothered by that thought but my fear is that I’ll have a breakdown in the middle of the ceremony. I pray that doesn’t happen. My birthday is the following week, I don’t know how to celebrate a birthday without Christy. Then comes the most dreaded day of the year, October 11th. I have no clue how I will survive this first anniversary of her passing. Probably as a hermit. Then of course in November and December come the holidays, the most special time of year for Christy. Her absence will be terrible as we face another Christmas season without her.
Please consider adding some of my friends to your prayer list. My friend Traci is facing cancer in her family. Her beloved mother has terminal gastric carcinoma. Her name is Wanda and she is a precious lady who loves her family and her Lord. Pray that God will be with this beautiful family and bring them a peace that passes all understanding. Please continue praying for the Lucas family as they, too, learn to live life without someone very precious. Lannie, Kristen & Brian’s mom, was called to her eternal home in July. Pray that the Lucas family can hold tight to their fondest memories and feel God’s love through their pain. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to Christy’s Stocking this year. I can’t begin to tell you how your donations last year blessed us and so MANY families serviced by Children’s Hospital. Your generosity was amazing! What a beautiful way to honor Christy’s life.
Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to love us. Hopefully soon I will be able to blog about something other than my pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we learn to live with constant grief, forever missing Christy.
Praising the name of the Lord through the heartache,
Julie
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
I’m wondering how long this ache inside is going to last? I’m guessing until I say good-bye to this earth and take my final breath. She is always with me, always. I seem to have the hardest time when I’m at work. My brain has too much time to wander, and of course it always wanders to her. I miss her so much that I can’t even describe it. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a physical longing for her. Can it really be that it’s been almost a year since she and I have been together? Seriously? And yet at other times I feel like it’s been forever. How is it that the world keeps turning, that babies are being born, that life is going on all around me, that I haven’t crumbled in a heap on the ground? How does a mother EVER let go of her child? It hurts so badly! When will this madness end?!!
Every day is hard. I sit at my desk working and waiting for time to go home. Believe it or not, it’s easier when I’m at home surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Oh, even then there are certainly times when Christy’s absence is painfully obvious but at least my mind isn’t in constant thought of her. At work, I think of little else.
My mom passed away when I was 22 years old. She had been sick most of my adult life, so we never really experienced the adult daughter - mother relationship. I was so enjoying that relationship with Christy. She was such a blessing! Her heart was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever known. She knew how to love and she did it with commitment! Not only that, she was honored to do it. She took her love seriously, never once taking it for granted. I wish I had never taken her for granted. More than anything, I wish God’s plans for Christy would have been for her to spend more time with us.
The next weeks and months aren’t going to be easy ones for me. Josh and Kristen are getting married a week from Saturday. I really don’t feel like I’m bothered by that thought but my fear is that I’ll have a breakdown in the middle of the ceremony. I pray that doesn’t happen. My birthday is the following week, I don’t know how to celebrate a birthday without Christy. Then comes the most dreaded day of the year, October 11th. I have no clue how I will survive this first anniversary of her passing. Probably as a hermit. Then of course in November and December come the holidays, the most special time of year for Christy. Her absence will be terrible as we face another Christmas season without her.
Please consider adding some of my friends to your prayer list. My friend Traci is facing cancer in her family. Her beloved mother has terminal gastric carcinoma. Her name is Wanda and she is a precious lady who loves her family and her Lord. Pray that God will be with this beautiful family and bring them a peace that passes all understanding. Please continue praying for the Lucas family as they, too, learn to live life without someone very precious. Lannie, Kristen & Brian’s mom, was called to her eternal home in July. Pray that the Lucas family can hold tight to their fondest memories and feel God’s love through their pain. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to Christy’s Stocking this year. I can’t begin to tell you how your donations last year blessed us and so MANY families serviced by Children’s Hospital. Your generosity was amazing! What a beautiful way to honor Christy’s life.
Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to love us. Hopefully soon I will be able to blog about something other than my pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we learn to live with constant grief, forever missing Christy.
Praising the name of the Lord through the heartache,
Julie
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
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