Getting By

That’s what I’m doing. Many people have asked me how the holidays were for our family. My answer - both good and bad. On Christmas Eve my family (the Coopers) came over early in the day and we had an enjoyable time, as soon as they all left we headed off to church. That was pretty hard, Josh was with us and of course Christy should have been. Then when we left there it was off to Jim and Lori’s for their open house, which was also sort of okay for me.

Then we went home, this is when things began to fall apart for me. For the past several years we have opened our gifts on Christmas Eve after the Barkley’s shindig. This year when we all got home and declared it was time to open presents Josh said, “Okay, everybody take your normal places.” That’s when it hit me. Every year each of us always sat in the same spot to open our gifts, I’d never realized that before. But as Christy’s spot on the couch next to Josh sat empty, my heart began to cry. You see, she would have been the one sitting there ready to wet her pants with excitement. Not for the items in the packages, but for the love that went into selecting each item for each person. Her excitement was always more for the gifts she had carefully and thoughtfully selected for each one of us, rather than for the ones she received. But once we got into the opening and laughing it got a little better.

Christmas Day was pretty hard too, there was definitely an absence hanging in the air. Josh went off to have breakfast with the Price family, which I’m sure was terribly difficult for him. We slept in then got up and readied for Christmas pizza with the Barkley’s. Once Jim, Lori and the girls got there so did the very obvious absence. We opened gifts again. Christy had actually purchased two Christmas gifts prior to her death, one lovingly chosen for Lori the other for Brynn. It was so hard to see Brynn open her package knowing that Christy had chosen it but she wasn’t there to see Brynn’s sweet little face as she opened it. We had actually given Lori’s to her just after Christy’s passing, which I’m so thankful for because our precious Lori would have cried her eyes out opening the gift Christy had herself selected, which would not have been good for me. Then Josh, Lori and I went to the cemetery in the afternoon. Not exactly how I wanted to spend Christmas with my daughter.

We went to the senior Wells house that evening for more gift exchange and more obvious absence. Then thankfully, Christmas was over! However, my major breakdown came the next day while showering. I started crying the minute I stepped into the shower and just could not get a grip, it was the biggest breakdown I’ve had to date.

Today, I’m back at work and hopefully things will get back to........ whatever, I can’t say normal anymore – life will never be normal for me again.

Thanks for checking up on us. Keep praying, we keep needing it. I will do a post later this week about Christy’s Stocking.

Love,
Julie

Gods Revelation To Me

The following is from the second chapter of Luke (NIV) …
(Pay special attention to the last sentence.)

25Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. 26It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. 27Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, 28Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:
29"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
you now dismiss[d] your servant in peace.
30For my eyes have seen your salvation,
31which you have prepared in the sight of all people,
32a light for revelation to the Gentiles
and for glory to your people Israel."
33The child's father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

In my last post I said that “my very soul misses my girl.”

These verses from the 2nd chapter of Luke are about Simeon and what he said to Mary when he had blessed her and Joseph shortly after the birth of Jesus. He told her that her son would be pierced when he said “And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” God was telling Mary that the loss of her child would be piercing to her soul, and with including this in His Word, he has told this to all mothers who suffer such loss. I truly believe it was no accident that we studied these verses this past Sunday in life group. God is telling me that my own soul is pierced, there is now a hole there and that is why my very soul is missing my girl so desperately.

I'm praying for a band aid for my hole, but I also pray that I'm not totally healed until He calls me home.

Pierced, but not shattered,
Julie

I Miss Christy!

This isn’t just being sad and grieving over her death, which is bad enough on it’s own. I miss her being here with us. Last night we had dinner with Josh, which was lovely, but Christy should have been there too. When I went to bed I felt a physical ache from not seeing her. My very soul misses my girl.

Her absence is most obvious when we’re all together. It’s all the boys and me. It used to be the boys sitting on the couch watching whatever sport happened to be on, and seriously it could have been a game that was actually played 20 years ago and they are yelling at the screen like it’s live television, while Christy and I were either in the kitchen talking or in my bedroom on the bed talking. I have a physical ache for her. I need to see her, to hear her, to touch her.

Please keep praying for me.

Missing Christy even more,
Julie

Holidays

On the grief board I visit they call them hellidays. Now, that’s kind of funny to me but I can’t bring myself to call Christmas a helliday. It’s the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior and that’s just not appropriate, nor does it express how I feel. Last Friday was however, a hell of a day. Thanksgiving was okay, even good really. Normally my whole family comes to my house for Thanksgiving but since this year is anything but normal, we changed things up a little. We all went to Robbie and Barbara’s and had a really good time. In the evening the four of us went to Jimmy & Ruthie’s and a good time was had there as well. We were stuffed and tired by the end of the day.

Then came black Friday, and black it was! I always spend the day after Thanksgiving putting out our Christmas decorations, and this year was no exception. Many people don’t celebrate Christmas at all after a loss, but I just couldn’t let this holiday pass unnoticed. Christmas was Christy’s absolute favorite time of year. She LOVED every day from Thanksgiving Day to New Year’s Day. She loved the decorations, the sights and smells that meant Christmas and being with family. She would be very disappointed in us if we let this season pass without celebrating. So, to honor her and to celebrate as a family (hurting though we are), I climbed up the attic stairs and threw down box after box.

Chris’ decorating job is the outside of the house, and a fine job he does! I decided to start with the tree this year, usually I do it last. So Josh and I drag the monster out and get started. The tree was the hardest thing I’ve done since Christy’s funeral. The ornaments were the worst of all, so many memories in that one box. Josh and I spent much of the time talking of various things about Christy. It was hard, but it was also good for us. Once the tree was up and the lights were on he left. He didn’t want to stick around for the ornaments, I can’t really blame him. It took me two full days to get everything done and normally I finish in one day. I’m not sure if it’s my age creeping up on me, the sadness that overwhelmed me or both that made it take longer than normal. But our house is now fully decorated.

I hope I’m up to making candy this year. I’ve gone back and forth on the issue but I did buy a ton of containers, so hopefully I will be able. I have to make lists of everything I want to do, if not then I just don’t do them. Why is it that a list motivates me?

We already have lots of donations to Christy’s stocking, I’m so thrilled!!!!!!! It’s so fun to watch her stocking fill up. I know this little project would make her so happy.

Thanks for checking up on us. Please keep praying for us daily as we make our way through this beautiful but difficult holiday season.

Remembering Christmases’ past,
Julie

Monday, 12-01-08

I had planned a post today but after reading Josh's post I'm emotionally unable. Please pray for me as this is getting harder. I have no clue how I'm going to survive this month.

Empty,
Julie