Last Sunday night we had our church Thanksgiving dinner. Pastor David asked us to share amongst our table what we were thankful for. I couldn’t even open my mouth. Not that I’m not thankful, I am, I just couldn’t bring myself to say out loud that I am thankful. I guess right now I feel like I should be consumed with sorrow, who am I kidding, I am consumed with sorrow. Anyway, I do have a lot to be thankful for so I thought I would share my list with you.
I am thankful that Jesus paid the price for me. That He took my place. That He saved a wretch like me.
I am thankful for a husband who adores me, in spite of my shortcomings.
I am thankful for a son who loves Jesus. He also loves his momma!
I am thankful for a son-in-law who loves my daughter more than I could ever have hoped for.
I am thankful for an extended family who loves me. I had gotten to a place where I wondered if they did (my own ignorance, not theirs) but they have shown me just how very much they do.
I am thankful for friends who love me and are always there for me when I need, or just want, someone to talk to.
I am thankful for a daughter who taught me how to live in spite of pain and suffering.
I am thankful for the love that I feel everyday from a whole host of people.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a very sad one, but I still have much to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Christy's Stocking
I sent the following e-mail today to everyone I know. But just in case you missed it I'm posting it here, minus our address.
Dear Friends,
As the Christmas season approaches our hearts are still broken. We can hardly think of celebrating the birth of our Savior without Christy, yet we certainly will. We couldn’t dream of letting this season pass without celebrating our Lord. However, we are faced with a difficult decision, what to do with Christy’s stocking. You see, even though our kids are grown they still receive a stocking filled to the brim every year. So this year we’ve come up with a plan to fill Christy’s stocking and we’re asking for your help.
As many of you know, when Christy was a child we spent countless days that sometimes stretched into weeks and even months at Children’s Hospital. Those times were financially draining on our little family. Thankfully we had a wonderful extended family that helped us through those difficult times but many people face these times alone, without family to lean on. That’s where you come in. We have already been in touch with Amy at the Children’s Miracle Network to set our plan in motion. We are seeking gift cards of any kind that might help a family in need. You could purchase restaurant cards (fast food is great), cards for gasoline, even Wal-Mart of Kroger cards would be wonderful. Also, to help brighten the day for the children we are asking for all types of children’s books.
I can just see Christy’s stocking totally overloaded with items! (I promise pictures after Christmas.) If you would like to donate you can either mail your items, drop them off at our house, or give us a call/e-mail and one of us will gladly pick your items up. We hope to make this a wonderful blessing for many families, please consider helping a family who is already suffering. Our hearts will hurt this Christmas, but we will take joy in knowing that Christy is still touching the lives of so many.
Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested in helping with this project.
Happy holidays to each of you and may God bless you,
Chris, Julie, Josh & Kyle
Dear Friends,
As the Christmas season approaches our hearts are still broken. We can hardly think of celebrating the birth of our Savior without Christy, yet we certainly will. We couldn’t dream of letting this season pass without celebrating our Lord. However, we are faced with a difficult decision, what to do with Christy’s stocking. You see, even though our kids are grown they still receive a stocking filled to the brim every year. So this year we’ve come up with a plan to fill Christy’s stocking and we’re asking for your help.
As many of you know, when Christy was a child we spent countless days that sometimes stretched into weeks and even months at Children’s Hospital. Those times were financially draining on our little family. Thankfully we had a wonderful extended family that helped us through those difficult times but many people face these times alone, without family to lean on. That’s where you come in. We have already been in touch with Amy at the Children’s Miracle Network to set our plan in motion. We are seeking gift cards of any kind that might help a family in need. You could purchase restaurant cards (fast food is great), cards for gasoline, even Wal-Mart of Kroger cards would be wonderful. Also, to help brighten the day for the children we are asking for all types of children’s books.
I can just see Christy’s stocking totally overloaded with items! (I promise pictures after Christmas.) If you would like to donate you can either mail your items, drop them off at our house, or give us a call/e-mail and one of us will gladly pick your items up. We hope to make this a wonderful blessing for many families, please consider helping a family who is already suffering. Our hearts will hurt this Christmas, but we will take joy in knowing that Christy is still touching the lives of so many.
Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested in helping with this project.
Happy holidays to each of you and may God bless you,
Chris, Julie, Josh & Kyle
Thursday, November 13, 2008
More Randomness
The past two days were hard. I’m sure Tuesday was hard because it was the one month anniversary but I have no clue why yesterday was so bad. Aren’t anniversaries supposed to be celebrations? I suppose I will be counting them off in months until I’m able to count them in years. The thoughts of that make me want to scream, literally.
My man is awesome! I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He has certainly been my rock. God brought him to us at the perfect time. In time to grow a beautiful relationship with my girl, to love her as his own, and in time to be here for me in the most difficult days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you how much love and respect I have for him. I’m very blessed!
I miss Josh. He’s coming home on Monday and I can’t wait. Though for him I’m sad. I know that he wants to come home so that he can face his grief, but the thoughts of that make me sad for him. He’s been able to somewhat escape, though I’m sure that Christy is in his mind always. Part of me wishes he could press the easy button and continue with his life, while the other part of me wants him to hold on to Christy forever. When will he be able to move on? Not quickly enough, but also far too quickly at the same time. I worry about our relationship with him. I know that Josh loves us but at some point he’s gonna need to move on. I would never dream of holding him back, I love him too much for that. I know that Christy loved him too much for that.
I’m worried about my boy. Kyle always wants to be funny, he’s been the class clown since he was little. Of course, there is no humor in our current circumstance. I wish he could open up and share but he’s not really one to do that. I’m praying that maybe he will open up with Josh when he gets back.
My heart misses Christy. I think about her constantly. For the past few months, because of her broken knee, she and I got to spend much precious time together, which I am SO VERY grateful for. But that doesn’t really make me feel much better now. Right now what I want is to crawl into bed with her and Max for a Sunday afternoon nap. I want to hear her funny little snoring sounds as she sleeps. I want to stroke her hair and take in her smell. I want to hug her, to kiss her again. I want to hear her voice and see that bright smile. I want to see Jack jump for joy when you say, “Christy’s here!” And I want to hear the excitement in her voice when she says, “Jackie Doodle!” Oh, how my heart cries for these things.
There are split seconds when I forget. Watching Dancing with the Stars is hard. Christy loved that show and would call me during every commercial break to either ask what I thought about whoever just danced, or to complain that Cloris Leachman was still there. Every now and then when I’m watching and they go to a commercial I think the phone is gonna ring. One time it did and for a split second I thought, “Oh, that’s Christy.” Those times are hard.
I want to dream about Christy!!!! I have not had one dream about her. Why? I’m having some wacky crazy dreams though. I’m dreaming mostly of past times. Not things we actually did but my dreams are taking place in the past. Weird! They are mostly from the time Christy was between about 7 and 10 years old. What I want is to have happy dreams about her. I have actually had dreams about my mom though, which I have previously done only rarely.
I’ve been writing Thank You cards, that’s a daunting task. It’s taken me this long just to talk myself into doing it. Everything I write sounds stupid to me. How do you thank people in a way that really expresses how much you appreciate them? For the most part I think that words fall short of what I feel. Hopefully everyone will know how much their kindness has meant to us.
This post has gotten far too long and I’ve got much to do.
Remembering my girl,
Julie
My man is awesome! I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He has certainly been my rock. God brought him to us at the perfect time. In time to grow a beautiful relationship with my girl, to love her as his own, and in time to be here for me in the most difficult days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you how much love and respect I have for him. I’m very blessed!
I miss Josh. He’s coming home on Monday and I can’t wait. Though for him I’m sad. I know that he wants to come home so that he can face his grief, but the thoughts of that make me sad for him. He’s been able to somewhat escape, though I’m sure that Christy is in his mind always. Part of me wishes he could press the easy button and continue with his life, while the other part of me wants him to hold on to Christy forever. When will he be able to move on? Not quickly enough, but also far too quickly at the same time. I worry about our relationship with him. I know that Josh loves us but at some point he’s gonna need to move on. I would never dream of holding him back, I love him too much for that. I know that Christy loved him too much for that.
I’m worried about my boy. Kyle always wants to be funny, he’s been the class clown since he was little. Of course, there is no humor in our current circumstance. I wish he could open up and share but he’s not really one to do that. I’m praying that maybe he will open up with Josh when he gets back.
My heart misses Christy. I think about her constantly. For the past few months, because of her broken knee, she and I got to spend much precious time together, which I am SO VERY grateful for. But that doesn’t really make me feel much better now. Right now what I want is to crawl into bed with her and Max for a Sunday afternoon nap. I want to hear her funny little snoring sounds as she sleeps. I want to stroke her hair and take in her smell. I want to hug her, to kiss her again. I want to hear her voice and see that bright smile. I want to see Jack jump for joy when you say, “Christy’s here!” And I want to hear the excitement in her voice when she says, “Jackie Doodle!” Oh, how my heart cries for these things.
There are split seconds when I forget. Watching Dancing with the Stars is hard. Christy loved that show and would call me during every commercial break to either ask what I thought about whoever just danced, or to complain that Cloris Leachman was still there. Every now and then when I’m watching and they go to a commercial I think the phone is gonna ring. One time it did and for a split second I thought, “Oh, that’s Christy.” Those times are hard.
I want to dream about Christy!!!! I have not had one dream about her. Why? I’m having some wacky crazy dreams though. I’m dreaming mostly of past times. Not things we actually did but my dreams are taking place in the past. Weird! They are mostly from the time Christy was between about 7 and 10 years old. What I want is to have happy dreams about her. I have actually had dreams about my mom though, which I have previously done only rarely.
I’ve been writing Thank You cards, that’s a daunting task. It’s taken me this long just to talk myself into doing it. Everything I write sounds stupid to me. How do you thank people in a way that really expresses how much you appreciate them? For the most part I think that words fall short of what I feel. Hopefully everyone will know how much their kindness has meant to us.
This post has gotten far too long and I’ve got much to do.
Remembering my girl,
Julie
Friday, November 7, 2008
Sharing
I have been visiting a board dedicated to grief, in particular I've been on a thread for parents who have lost teen or adult children. Today one of my board buddies posted the following. She gave me permission to share it on my blog. The board is private so I am unable to give her credit for it so I would ask that you not copy it. I found this to be simply beautiful.
I wake to the chill of a new day.
The cold of night has etched the corners of my window.
The transformation of last night’s rain still falls in weighted elegance
and blankets what is left of fall’s remains.
The beauty of the frozen rain solidified into playful droplets of white that fills my mind with the wonderment of the season beginning.
In last night’s rain the trees shown bare of leaves, ugly in their nakedness.
Now the morning snow clothes and defines every branch, revealing the graceful brilliance and enduring strength that I dismissed in the absence of their fruit.
Am I the tree once graced with the beauty of life?
I swayed in the wind, cast shadows of fullness on the ground.
Did others see me as alive and brilliant with my colored branches extending and reaching for the light of the new day?
When the leaves fell from my branches and the coolness of my autumn gave way to deaths dark hand, do I look as barren and naked as the tree I condemned to ugliness?
Does my grief leave me barren and lifeless casting a shadow of solitude, thin in
proportion of my former self?
Or somehow with the frozen grace of the night, can hope fall on my desolate limbs defining my beauty and strength as I bravely face the season of quiet.
A snowflake falls in unison with its companions. It is not alone but it is unique in its shape and form. Carved from the same beginning but bringing a uniqueness that speaks of its individual expression. The love that we have shared with our child now lost from this earth, is frozen in heaven’s grace.
Forged from the same maker, it falls around us in quiet gentle individuality.
I capture each flake from my love and the angels I have been blessed to take communion with, on my naked branch. The beauty of my structure is outlined,
clothed in grace that I might stand mighty in cold, proud of my nakedness. This is my season of stillness, in quiet reflection of my former self.
With love on my branches and my soul firmly rooted in grace
I will tend and nurture in quietness the seeds of my new life.
The blossoming of this new life will come as inevitably as winter yield to spring.
I will not rush the birth of my seedlings, nor will I disparage their timeliness.
Do we chastise the tree for its bareness in winter?
Do we call on the flowers to bloom with brilliance through the snow?
As it is their time to rest and take in the nutrients of the soil,
it is my time to rest, to heal.
I wake to the chill of a new day.
The cold of night has etched the corners of my window.
The transformation of last night’s rain still falls in weighted elegance
and blankets what is left of fall’s remains.
The beauty of the frozen rain solidified into playful droplets of white that fills my mind with the wonderment of the season beginning.
In last night’s rain the trees shown bare of leaves, ugly in their nakedness.
Now the morning snow clothes and defines every branch, revealing the graceful brilliance and enduring strength that I dismissed in the absence of their fruit.
Am I the tree once graced with the beauty of life?
I swayed in the wind, cast shadows of fullness on the ground.
Did others see me as alive and brilliant with my colored branches extending and reaching for the light of the new day?
When the leaves fell from my branches and the coolness of my autumn gave way to deaths dark hand, do I look as barren and naked as the tree I condemned to ugliness?
Does my grief leave me barren and lifeless casting a shadow of solitude, thin in
proportion of my former self?
Or somehow with the frozen grace of the night, can hope fall on my desolate limbs defining my beauty and strength as I bravely face the season of quiet.
A snowflake falls in unison with its companions. It is not alone but it is unique in its shape and form. Carved from the same beginning but bringing a uniqueness that speaks of its individual expression. The love that we have shared with our child now lost from this earth, is frozen in heaven’s grace.
Forged from the same maker, it falls around us in quiet gentle individuality.
I capture each flake from my love and the angels I have been blessed to take communion with, on my naked branch. The beauty of my structure is outlined,
clothed in grace that I might stand mighty in cold, proud of my nakedness. This is my season of stillness, in quiet reflection of my former self.
With love on my branches and my soul firmly rooted in grace
I will tend and nurture in quietness the seeds of my new life.
The blossoming of this new life will come as inevitably as winter yield to spring.
I will not rush the birth of my seedlings, nor will I disparage their timeliness.
Do we chastise the tree for its bareness in winter?
Do we call on the flowers to bloom with brilliance through the snow?
As it is their time to rest and take in the nutrients of the soil,
it is my time to rest, to heal.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Randomness about Grief
Up until now I had suffered major grief only twice in my life, in 1984 when my mom died and again in 1996 when my granny passed away. This is VERY different. There is hardly one minute of one day that my mind isn’t thinking about Christy. That would be great if I could totally focus on the 28 wonderful years I had her, but most of my thoughts are about her absence from my life. It’s hard.
I feel like there are rules to grief and I don’t know what they are. I can’t cry, that surely must be against the rules! Why can’t I cry? My heart cries all the time, constantly, but the tears stay away. I really don’t understand.
People always ask me how I’m doing, generally I say fine. That’s a big fat lie! I’m not fine, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again. My heart hurts! I want to wake up from my nightmare and see Christy, here.
I’ve been asked if I’m angry. Angry? No, I’m not angry. How could I be angry? God gave me a perfect gift, I held tight to that gift for 28 beautiful years. How could I possibly be angry about that? That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer, the loss in tremendous for sure, but there is no anger.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m strong. Let there be no mistake, I have NEVER in my life been weaker than I am right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would say that I’m strong. There is not one ounce of strength left in me. If you look at me and you see strength, you’re not seeing me, you must be seeing God. Maybe for some reason He wants you to see me that way, I have no clue. All I know is I’m heartsick, I’m tired and I’m weak.
I hate going out in public. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. I know that I’m living every mother’s worse nightmare, is that what they’re thinking about? Are they thinking that I’m out and about too soon? Are they thinking that I look terrible? Are they wondering how I go on? I look at faces and I see questions.
Somehow life keeps going on. How does that happen? I’m beginning to think that I’m forever stuck on Oct. 11, 2008. Please keep praying for us, we certainly need it.
Missing my girl,
Julie
I feel like there are rules to grief and I don’t know what they are. I can’t cry, that surely must be against the rules! Why can’t I cry? My heart cries all the time, constantly, but the tears stay away. I really don’t understand.
People always ask me how I’m doing, generally I say fine. That’s a big fat lie! I’m not fine, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again. My heart hurts! I want to wake up from my nightmare and see Christy, here.
I’ve been asked if I’m angry. Angry? No, I’m not angry. How could I be angry? God gave me a perfect gift, I held tight to that gift for 28 beautiful years. How could I possibly be angry about that? That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer, the loss in tremendous for sure, but there is no anger.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m strong. Let there be no mistake, I have NEVER in my life been weaker than I am right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would say that I’m strong. There is not one ounce of strength left in me. If you look at me and you see strength, you’re not seeing me, you must be seeing God. Maybe for some reason He wants you to see me that way, I have no clue. All I know is I’m heartsick, I’m tired and I’m weak.
I hate going out in public. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. I know that I’m living every mother’s worse nightmare, is that what they’re thinking about? Are they thinking that I’m out and about too soon? Are they thinking that I look terrible? Are they wondering how I go on? I look at faces and I see questions.
Somehow life keeps going on. How does that happen? I’m beginning to think that I’m forever stuck on Oct. 11, 2008. Please keep praying for us, we certainly need it.
Missing my girl,
Julie
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