More Randomness

The past two days were hard. I’m sure Tuesday was hard because it was the one month anniversary but I have no clue why yesterday was so bad. Aren’t anniversaries supposed to be celebrations? I suppose I will be counting them off in months until I’m able to count them in years. The thoughts of that make me want to scream, literally.

My man is awesome! I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He has certainly been my rock. God brought him to us at the perfect time. In time to grow a beautiful relationship with my girl, to love her as his own, and in time to be here for me in the most difficult days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you how much love and respect I have for him. I’m very blessed!

I miss Josh. He’s coming home on Monday and I can’t wait. Though for him I’m sad. I know that he wants to come home so that he can face his grief, but the thoughts of that make me sad for him. He’s been able to somewhat escape, though I’m sure that Christy is in his mind always. Part of me wishes he could press the easy button and continue with his life, while the other part of me wants him to hold on to Christy forever. When will he be able to move on? Not quickly enough, but also far too quickly at the same time. I worry about our relationship with him. I know that Josh loves us but at some point he’s gonna need to move on. I would never dream of holding him back, I love him too much for that. I know that Christy loved him too much for that.

I’m worried about my boy. Kyle always wants to be funny, he’s been the class clown since he was little. Of course, there is no humor in our current circumstance. I wish he could open up and share but he’s not really one to do that. I’m praying that maybe he will open up with Josh when he gets back.

My heart misses Christy. I think about her constantly. For the past few months, because of her broken knee, she and I got to spend much precious time together, which I am SO VERY grateful for. But that doesn’t really make me feel much better now. Right now what I want is to crawl into bed with her and Max for a Sunday afternoon nap. I want to hear her funny little snoring sounds as she sleeps. I want to stroke her hair and take in her smell. I want to hug her, to kiss her again. I want to hear her voice and see that bright smile. I want to see Jack jump for joy when you say, “Christy’s here!” And I want to hear the excitement in her voice when she says, “Jackie Doodle!” Oh, how my heart cries for these things.

There are split seconds when I forget. Watching Dancing with the Stars is hard. Christy loved that show and would call me during every commercial break to either ask what I thought about whoever just danced, or to complain that Cloris Leachman was still there. Every now and then when I’m watching and they go to a commercial I think the phone is gonna ring. One time it did and for a split second I thought, “Oh, that’s Christy.” Those times are hard.

I want to dream about Christy!!!! I have not had one dream about her. Why? I’m having some wacky crazy dreams though. I’m dreaming mostly of past times. Not things we actually did but my dreams are taking place in the past. Weird! They are mostly from the time Christy was between about 7 and 10 years old. What I want is to have happy dreams about her. I have actually had dreams about my mom though, which I have previously done only rarely.

I’ve been writing Thank You cards, that’s a daunting task. It’s taken me this long just to talk myself into doing it. Everything I write sounds stupid to me. How do you thank people in a way that really expresses how much you appreciate them? For the most part I think that words fall short of what I feel. Hopefully everyone will know how much their kindness has meant to us.

This post has gotten far too long and I’ve got much to do.

Remembering my girl,
Julie