Up until now I had suffered major grief only twice in my life, in 1984 when my mom died and again in 1996 when my granny passed away. This is VERY different. There is hardly one minute of one day that my mind isn’t thinking about Christy. That would be great if I could totally focus on the 28 wonderful years I had her, but most of my thoughts are about her absence from my life. It’s hard.
I feel like there are rules to grief and I don’t know what they are. I can’t cry, that surely must be against the rules! Why can’t I cry? My heart cries all the time, constantly, but the tears stay away. I really don’t understand.
People always ask me how I’m doing, generally I say fine. That’s a big fat lie! I’m not fine, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again. My heart hurts! I want to wake up from my nightmare and see Christy, here.
I’ve been asked if I’m angry. Angry? No, I’m not angry. How could I be angry? God gave me a perfect gift, I held tight to that gift for 28 beautiful years. How could I possibly be angry about that? That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer, the loss in tremendous for sure, but there is no anger.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m strong. Let there be no mistake, I have NEVER in my life been weaker than I am right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would say that I’m strong. There is not one ounce of strength left in me. If you look at me and you see strength, you’re not seeing me, you must be seeing God. Maybe for some reason He wants you to see me that way, I have no clue. All I know is I’m heartsick, I’m tired and I’m weak.
I hate going out in public. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. I know that I’m living every mother’s worse nightmare, is that what they’re thinking about? Are they thinking that I’m out and about too soon? Are they thinking that I look terrible? Are they wondering how I go on? I look at faces and I see questions.
Somehow life keeps going on. How does that happen? I’m beginning to think that I’m forever stuck on Oct. 11, 2008. Please keep praying for us, we certainly need it.
Missing my girl,
Julie
5 comments:
9And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
10Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
I thank God for you Julie. Thank you for "boasting your weakness" with us, your friends. Thank you for the card you sent. I needed that. I know my heart isn't breaking like yours, but on Sunday the words out of my mouth was "My heart just hearts." (I found out Sunday I wasn't pregnant, again.)
I thank God that my weakness, our weakness makes Him look stronger and gives Him glory. You are such a blessing in my life, and I really don't get to see you that much. And I promise the next time I see you it won't be "How are you?" it will just be "Hi, I love ya." You, Chris, Josh and Kyle are all still being lifted up by our family, and will be for as long as you need it. Love you Julie.
Stacy Jones
There are no rules for grief, each person deals with it differently and in their own way. There is no right or wrong way - only your way and for you that is the right way. Please don't feel guilt for that.
Momma J,
Thank you for expressing your thoughts like you have. You've motivated me to try it myself. It didn't go so well, but it's all I got. Your weakness inspires me. I miss you almost as much as I miss Christy. See you not soon enough.
Josh
Someone beat me to it, but will agree that grief has no rules. It is what it is, and its probably not the same for any two people.
And I can promise you that people are not saying you look bad when you are out in public. You always look good. :) Maybe they are uncomfortable because you remind them that nothing they have in their lives is really permanent (outside of Christ). Maybe you scare them because you force a perspective check they would rather do without. Some may also wonder if there is anything they could say to you that might help... but then they realize there really couldn't be. And yet, its so ridiculous to come over and say hi and act like nothing has happened. Wouldn't that seem so insensitive?
I don't know if any of that is really the case, but I think it could be. In any case, I don't think they are judging you at. And if you have reason to think otherwise, slip me their address and I'll take care of it right away. ;) Love you, Sister. Thank-you for your transparency through all of this... God is being glorified in it.
I think what we have to do is think of the love. Let that fill and guide our hearts. Look to the future, to the day when we will be reunited.
No regets - we don't get any do overs so we can't dwell on them. We can only move forward with what we've learned.
God knows you're weak. The strength we see in you comes from him and from Christy. You were her rock for so long, now she's your's.
I think this blog is a good way to deal with grief too. It allows you to express it and not keep it bottled up.
Maybe you should write a book. Write Christy's story. Share the joy and triumph of her life with the world.
Love you,
Cindy
Post a Comment