Remembrance

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On.

Author Unknown

I know I may be a tad bit biased here, but doesn't this sound just exactly like our sweet Christy?

Smiling, opening my eyes, loving and trying desperately to go on,
Julie

The Day After

Christy,

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you weren’t here. Yesterday I was okay, today is a different story. I’m not sure why but the ache I feel inside for you has intensified today. I need to see you. The boys did a great job of making my day special, but you were still missing. I want you to come back home. I know that you’re in your eternal home but I want you back here, in your earthly home. I miss you so much.

I try so hard to make sense of all this, but I just can’t. I live every day trusting that God knows exactly what he’s doing but I certainly don’t have a clue what that is. Oh I think I see a lot of it. He’s painting a pretty clear picture right now. I guess I just don’t like it very much. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? We were all happy, living in a world that was almost perfect by our standards.

I know that you’re happy, experiencing a joy that we can only dream of. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I long for you. A longing that just doesn’t go away, ever. I love you so much it hurts.

I miss you sweetheart and I’m trying hard to hold on. I know that you want all of us to live our lives and love each other as much as possible. We are and we do, it’s just not the same here without you.

Love you,
Mom

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has been hard for me since I was taken by surprise 24 years ago. I innocently went to church that Sunday morning not realizing how devastating it would be. See, at church they make a big deal out of Mother’s Day – as they should. But when you’ve lost your mother, or your child as I will now be faced with, it’s just a painful reminder of what you don’t have.

For the past several years Chris, Kyle and I have traveled to Cynthiana for Mother’s Day. It’s been our little tradition. We won’t be doing that this year.

Chris and I will be going to church with Kyle this year, back to Mt. Freedom for a Sunday. I need to start a new tradition. I’m going to try very hard to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. I know this isn’t going to be easy but my son deserves it.

I still have reasons to celebrate on Mother’s Day. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who would, and has, done anything in the world for me. I love her; I want to celebrate her this year. I have Chris’ grandmother; she’s 93 years old and an amazing woman. I want to celebrate her this year. I have Josh, who by law isn’t my son any longer but who will forever be my son in my heart. I want to celebrate still being a part of his life.

Christy isn’t here in flesh any longer but I’m certainly still her mother. I want to celebrate that. She always went above and beyond to make every Mother’s Day special, I will celebrate those times and know that she still loves me. I will also celebrate the love I still have for her.

Most importantly, I want to celebrate the fact that I’m Kyle’s mother. What a huge blessing he is to me. God brought much comedy into our lives when he gave us Kyle, but even more - He brought us much love. This young man loves his momma, and his momma loves him with every fiber of her being. Kyle is a very special young man. If you don’t know him well, you should get to know him. He will grate your very last nerve one minute, then turn around the next and melt your heart. I wouldn’t have him any other way. He is exactly the son God created him to be and I adore him.

I will celebrate being Christy’s mother and I will celebrate being Kyle’s mother. Please pray for me as I do.

Celebrating my children,
Julie

Happy Birthday Chris!

Today is Chris’ 41st birthday. Last year when he turned 40 I threw a big surprise party for him. Thanks to many lies (I’m sorry to admit that, but it was a surprise party) and the help of my friends, he was actually surprised. It was great fun. We ate, laughed and sang karaoke.

This year the celebration is a little toned down but the love has grown even stronger. Last year at this time we were a family of five, things weren’t perfect but for the most part we were happy and loving life. Then tragedy struck and ours lives were turned upside down, never to be the same again.

I guess the loss of a child is the very worst thing a mother can go through. Evidence of this fact is ever so clear on the grief board that I visit. We are a sisterhood of women who desperately wish we didn’t have the need to know each other. Child loss is a feeling that can’t be put into words, it’s horrific. But through the pain I am able to catch glimpses of hope and know that even though I don’t always feel so, I am blessed. One of my biggest blessings is Chris. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that God brought Chris into our lives. I’ve said this before - he’s my rock. I have no idea how I would have survived these past 7 months without his love, strength and constant understanding. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s my man and I love him.

Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you more than you know.