Constant Grief

I haven’t posted for a while because I feel like I have nothing new to say. Christy is what consumes my thoughts, but do you guys really want to hear about only that? Over and over again? Well, I suppose this is my blog and she is part of my every thought. So…….

I’m wondering how long this ache inside is going to last? I’m guessing until I say good-bye to this earth and take my final breath. She is always with me, always. I seem to have the hardest time when I’m at work. My brain has too much time to wander, and of course it always wanders to her. I miss her so much that I can’t even describe it. I know I’ve said this before, but I have a physical longing for her. Can it really be that it’s been almost a year since she and I have been together? Seriously? And yet at other times I feel like it’s been forever. How is it that the world keeps turning, that babies are being born, that life is going on all around me, that I haven’t crumbled in a heap on the ground? How does a mother EVER let go of her child? It hurts so badly! When will this madness end?!!

Every day is hard. I sit at my desk working and waiting for time to go home. Believe it or not, it’s easier when I’m at home surrounded by the people I love most in this world. Oh, even then there are certainly times when Christy’s absence is painfully obvious but at least my mind isn’t in constant thought of her. At work, I think of little else.

My mom passed away when I was 22 years old. She had been sick most of my adult life, so we never really experienced the adult daughter - mother relationship. I was so enjoying that relationship with Christy. She was such a blessing! Her heart was one of the most beautiful I’ve ever known. She knew how to love and she did it with commitment! Not only that, she was honored to do it. She took her love seriously, never once taking it for granted. I wish I had never taken her for granted. More than anything, I wish God’s plans for Christy would have been for her to spend more time with us.

The next weeks and months aren’t going to be easy ones for me. Josh and Kristen are getting married a week from Saturday. I really don’t feel like I’m bothered by that thought but my fear is that I’ll have a breakdown in the middle of the ceremony. I pray that doesn’t happen. My birthday is the following week, I don’t know how to celebrate a birthday without Christy. Then comes the most dreaded day of the year, October 11th. I have no clue how I will survive this first anniversary of her passing. Probably as a hermit. Then of course in November and December come the holidays, the most special time of year for Christy. Her absence will be terrible as we face another Christmas season without her.

Please consider adding some of my friends to your prayer list. My friend Traci is facing cancer in her family. Her beloved mother has terminal gastric carcinoma. Her name is Wanda and she is a precious lady who loves her family and her Lord. Pray that God will be with this beautiful family and bring them a peace that passes all understanding. Please continue praying for the Lucas family as they, too, learn to live life without someone very precious. Lannie, Kristen & Brian’s mom, was called to her eternal home in July. Pray that the Lucas family can hold tight to their fondest memories and feel God’s love through their pain. Please prayerfully consider making a donation to Christy’s Stocking this year. I can’t begin to tell you how your donations last year blessed us and so MANY families serviced by Children’s Hospital. Your generosity was amazing! What a beautiful way to honor Christy’s life.

Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to love us. Hopefully soon I will be able to blog about something other than my pain. Please continue to pray for our family as we learn to live with constant grief, forever missing Christy.

Praising the name of the Lord through the heartache,
Julie

"Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21