Good-bye to my crutch.

Back in September of '08 after Christy had been in ICU and near death, my life was turned upside down, or so I thought at the time. I was having a very hard time coping with the demands of being at the hospital, being a mom to Kyle, being a wife, working full time, keeping a house running etc. Then once Christy was released from the hospital I added driving to Cynthiana constantly to the mix. I’m not complaining, I wouldn’t have had it any other way, I’m just saying… that stuff begins to wear you down. So, I went to the doctor and asked him to “prescribe” me something and so he did, Zoloft. In hindsight, I know that this was all the Lords way of taking care of me. It takes a little time for that stuff to get in your system and He knew that I would soon be in need of help in ways I could have never imagined.

By the time Christy passed away the Zoloft was fully in my system. So since that time I’ve been grieving through a veil of sorts. There’s been this thin coating over my emotions. Not that I didn’t feel pain, I certainly did, just not quite as raw as it could have been. So in October of '09 I decided that it was time for me to wean myself off the Zoloft. After all, it had been a year since Christy’s death, time to stand on my own two feet. I began the cutbacks and really took my time because I didn’t want to shock my emotions. I had been taking a full pill every day so the first cutback was to 1 pill every other day and ½ pill on the opposite days. Next cutback was to ½ pill every day, then ½ pill every other day, then nothing. Each cutback was hard, it would take me a few days of weeping to realize, ‘oh yeah, I’m cutting back on my meds.’ Then I would be overly emotional for a week or so and then I would level back out. I took my last pill at the end of February and since then I can’t seem to find my “level.” I’m a mess, all the time, just a mess.

But here’s the thing, I think I need to be. I really think that God has me at this place emotionally for such a time as this. Now, I have no understanding of why now and really I don’t even care about that. I just know that this is when and where I’m supposed to be right now. And frankly, the timing couldn’t be worse! So many emotions to deal with the next couple of weeks anyway, Saturday would have been Christy and Josh’s sixth wedding anniversary and her birthday is in three weeks. I have no clue how I’m going to survive emotionally. But I know that somehow He will get me through, this time it will just be without my crutch. I’m thankful He provided me a crutch for a time but now I only have Him, as it should be for this time.

He has also placed before me the prospect of a support group. There are a group of moms who have lost children that meet once a month at Nicholasville United Methodist. I can’t go this month but next month, two weeks after Christy’s 30th birthday, I plan to attend my first meeting. IT WILL BE SO HARD. There will be nothing easy about going to these meetings. Not only will it be nearly impossible for me to share my own story, it will be very difficult to hear the pain of other moms. A group that I hope stops growing, a group I wish I didn’t belong to.

My grief is both my worst enemy and my best friend. I really have no idea how to explain that. Imagine how you would feel if something happened to one of your children. Then, imagine how it would feel to go through life without them. How do you continue to go out with friends, rejoice over weddings or births, go to a birthday party, family reunions or even go on vacation? Your mind, no matter where you are, is on the one who is missing from all of those things. So your grief becomes your secret companion, the one who knows how you feel. I’m on this journey for the rest of my life and grief will be right there with me every step of the way, my constant companion.

Having said all of that I don’t want you to think there is no joy in my life, there certainly is. I’m cherishing every moment with my wonderful husband and my beautiful boy. What joy those two bring to me! I’ve even learned to love hearing them argue, and they certainly do. However, they are totally going through some weird male bonding ritual recently over NCAA basketball. It’s so funny, men can be so strange. :)

Anyway, I want to thank you for stopping in to check on me. As I come to your mind, please pray for me. I have a feeling I’m going to be in great need of it in the weeks and months ahead.

Still missing my girl everyday,
Julie