Our tears are not for you sweetheart, we cry for ourselves.
I wanted to tell you
How closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes
That we've had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'cause I'm finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
Now don't you be weary
'cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold onto Jesus
Reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that we treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow
Will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories
Of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
God’s Plan
My life is forever changed. Will I ever get to the point where I feel ‘normal’ again? (No jokes about how I’ve never been normal, please.) Some days I’m fooled into believing I’m normal, only to have reality smack me right in the face.
This week has been really weird for me. Chris and Kyle are both gone and for the first time since Christy’s death, I’m spending the majority of my home time alone. Much time for reflection, which is good - but also very sad. I cried a lot last night, I got started and I just couldn’t stop. Finally I gave in and drove to the cemetery. For some crazy reason I feel closer to Christy there, not emotionally but physically. I got there and then didn’t want to leave.
I know that much of my emotion is probably because of the wedding planning that’s going on around me. Josh is getting married! I’m guessing that this is a shock to a few of you. He started dating Kristen Lucas a couple of months ago. It didn’t take them long to realize that God was giving them the gift of love. They knew they wanted to be married but they were in no hurry. They planned to wait until after October to get engaged, and then marry sometime next year. But God has a different plan for them. Kristen’s mom, Lannie, has been courageously battling cancer for a year or so. On Friday, June 5th, the doctor gave the Lucas family some very devastating news; medically there is nothing more they can do for Lannie. Lannie has a strong faith in God and is very confident that He can heal her, and we are praying daily that He will. However, Josh and Kristen can’t imagine having a wedding without Lannie, and though they certainly have faith, they also have no clue what God’s plans are for Lannie. So, they’ve decided to move up their wedding. They will be getting married in September.
I’m very happy that Josh has found love again. And if I could have hand picked a girl for Josh, it would be Kristen. She is truly a beautiful and wonderful woman of God. I know they will have a happy life together.
Please don’t think, for even one second, that I’m sad because of what they have. My sadness comes from what I’ve lost. And yet, I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me more than I can understand. I have a beautiful, loving son who is becoming the man I always prayed he would be. And though I know that our relationship is bound to take on a new face, I have a son-in-law that I love deeply. I just flat out miss Christy so much it hurts. Before October 11th I never knew a persons heart could literally hurt. Now I not only know it, I live with it every single day.
So please join me in praying for the happiness and prosperity of this beautiful couple that God has brought together. Pray also for Lannie, pray that God will bring about total and complete healing to her body. Pray for Kyle as he continues to grieve the loss of his sister, his confidant. Pray for Chris, he loves my kids and the loss of Christy has been very hard for him too. Pray for my dear friend Lori, it seems as though much of her grief has been delayed, probably because she’s been too focused on my grief to worry about her own. And lastly, please continue to pray for me. My girl is gone and every day that I live without her is a struggle. I feel like Job when he said, "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). But when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him, pray that I can hold on to that hope.
I receive an email daily from an organization called GriefShare, yesterdays e-mail ended with the following prayer. It sums up my feelings perfectly.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
Surviving every day one minute at a time,
Julie
This week has been really weird for me. Chris and Kyle are both gone and for the first time since Christy’s death, I’m spending the majority of my home time alone. Much time for reflection, which is good - but also very sad. I cried a lot last night, I got started and I just couldn’t stop. Finally I gave in and drove to the cemetery. For some crazy reason I feel closer to Christy there, not emotionally but physically. I got there and then didn’t want to leave.
I know that much of my emotion is probably because of the wedding planning that’s going on around me. Josh is getting married! I’m guessing that this is a shock to a few of you. He started dating Kristen Lucas a couple of months ago. It didn’t take them long to realize that God was giving them the gift of love. They knew they wanted to be married but they were in no hurry. They planned to wait until after October to get engaged, and then marry sometime next year. But God has a different plan for them. Kristen’s mom, Lannie, has been courageously battling cancer for a year or so. On Friday, June 5th, the doctor gave the Lucas family some very devastating news; medically there is nothing more they can do for Lannie. Lannie has a strong faith in God and is very confident that He can heal her, and we are praying daily that He will. However, Josh and Kristen can’t imagine having a wedding without Lannie, and though they certainly have faith, they also have no clue what God’s plans are for Lannie. So, they’ve decided to move up their wedding. They will be getting married in September.
I’m very happy that Josh has found love again. And if I could have hand picked a girl for Josh, it would be Kristen. She is truly a beautiful and wonderful woman of God. I know they will have a happy life together.
Please don’t think, for even one second, that I’m sad because of what they have. My sadness comes from what I’ve lost. And yet, I am very blessed. I have a husband who loves me more than I can understand. I have a beautiful, loving son who is becoming the man I always prayed he would be. And though I know that our relationship is bound to take on a new face, I have a son-in-law that I love deeply. I just flat out miss Christy so much it hurts. Before October 11th I never knew a persons heart could literally hurt. Now I not only know it, I live with it every single day.
So please join me in praying for the happiness and prosperity of this beautiful couple that God has brought together. Pray also for Lannie, pray that God will bring about total and complete healing to her body. Pray for Kyle as he continues to grieve the loss of his sister, his confidant. Pray for Chris, he loves my kids and the loss of Christy has been very hard for him too. Pray for my dear friend Lori, it seems as though much of her grief has been delayed, probably because she’s been too focused on my grief to worry about her own. And lastly, please continue to pray for me. My girl is gone and every day that I live without her is a struggle. I feel like Job when he said, "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again" (7:7). But when we read the end of the book of Job, we find that God had something very good in store for him, pray that I can hold on to that hope.
I receive an email daily from an organization called GriefShare, yesterdays e-mail ended with the following prayer. It sums up my feelings perfectly.
Lord, I'm going to walk this journey by faith because what I feel and see sure isn't helping. Amen.
Surviving every day one minute at a time,
Julie
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Remembrance
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On.
Author Unknown
I know I may be a tad bit biased here, but doesn't this sound just exactly like our sweet Christy?
Smiling, opening my eyes, loving and trying desperately to go on,
Julie
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On.
Author Unknown
I know I may be a tad bit biased here, but doesn't this sound just exactly like our sweet Christy?
Smiling, opening my eyes, loving and trying desperately to go on,
Julie
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Day After
Christy,
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you weren’t here. Yesterday I was okay, today is a different story. I’m not sure why but the ache I feel inside for you has intensified today. I need to see you. The boys did a great job of making my day special, but you were still missing. I want you to come back home. I know that you’re in your eternal home but I want you back here, in your earthly home. I miss you so much.
I try so hard to make sense of all this, but I just can’t. I live every day trusting that God knows exactly what he’s doing but I certainly don’t have a clue what that is. Oh I think I see a lot of it. He’s painting a pretty clear picture right now. I guess I just don’t like it very much. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? We were all happy, living in a world that was almost perfect by our standards.
I know that you’re happy, experiencing a joy that we can only dream of. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I long for you. A longing that just doesn’t go away, ever. I love you so much it hurts.
I miss you sweetheart and I’m trying hard to hold on. I know that you want all of us to live our lives and love each other as much as possible. We are and we do, it’s just not the same here without you.
Love you,
Mom
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and you weren’t here. Yesterday I was okay, today is a different story. I’m not sure why but the ache I feel inside for you has intensified today. I need to see you. The boys did a great job of making my day special, but you were still missing. I want you to come back home. I know that you’re in your eternal home but I want you back here, in your earthly home. I miss you so much.
I try so hard to make sense of all this, but I just can’t. I live every day trusting that God knows exactly what he’s doing but I certainly don’t have a clue what that is. Oh I think I see a lot of it. He’s painting a pretty clear picture right now. I guess I just don’t like it very much. Why couldn’t things have stayed the way they were? We were all happy, living in a world that was almost perfect by our standards.
I know that you’re happy, experiencing a joy that we can only dream of. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I long for you. A longing that just doesn’t go away, ever. I love you so much it hurts.
I miss you sweetheart and I’m trying hard to hold on. I know that you want all of us to live our lives and love each other as much as possible. We are and we do, it’s just not the same here without you.
Love you,
Mom
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day has been hard for me since I was taken by surprise 24 years ago. I innocently went to church that Sunday morning not realizing how devastating it would be. See, at church they make a big deal out of Mother’s Day – as they should. But when you’ve lost your mother, or your child as I will now be faced with, it’s just a painful reminder of what you don’t have.
For the past several years Chris, Kyle and I have traveled to Cynthiana for Mother’s Day. It’s been our little tradition. We won’t be doing that this year.
Chris and I will be going to church with Kyle this year, back to Mt. Freedom for a Sunday. I need to start a new tradition. I’m going to try very hard to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. I know this isn’t going to be easy but my son deserves it.
I still have reasons to celebrate on Mother’s Day. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who would, and has, done anything in the world for me. I love her; I want to celebrate her this year. I have Chris’ grandmother; she’s 93 years old and an amazing woman. I want to celebrate her this year. I have Josh, who by law isn’t my son any longer but who will forever be my son in my heart. I want to celebrate still being a part of his life.
Christy isn’t here in flesh any longer but I’m certainly still her mother. I want to celebrate that. She always went above and beyond to make every Mother’s Day special, I will celebrate those times and know that she still loves me. I will also celebrate the love I still have for her.
Most importantly, I want to celebrate the fact that I’m Kyle’s mother. What a huge blessing he is to me. God brought much comedy into our lives when he gave us Kyle, but even more - He brought us much love. This young man loves his momma, and his momma loves him with every fiber of her being. Kyle is a very special young man. If you don’t know him well, you should get to know him. He will grate your very last nerve one minute, then turn around the next and melt your heart. I wouldn’t have him any other way. He is exactly the son God created him to be and I adore him.
I will celebrate being Christy’s mother and I will celebrate being Kyle’s mother. Please pray for me as I do.
Celebrating my children,
Julie
For the past several years Chris, Kyle and I have traveled to Cynthiana for Mother’s Day. It’s been our little tradition. We won’t be doing that this year.
Chris and I will be going to church with Kyle this year, back to Mt. Freedom for a Sunday. I need to start a new tradition. I’m going to try very hard to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. I know this isn’t going to be easy but my son deserves it.
I still have reasons to celebrate on Mother’s Day. I have a wonderful mother-in-law who would, and has, done anything in the world for me. I love her; I want to celebrate her this year. I have Chris’ grandmother; she’s 93 years old and an amazing woman. I want to celebrate her this year. I have Josh, who by law isn’t my son any longer but who will forever be my son in my heart. I want to celebrate still being a part of his life.
Christy isn’t here in flesh any longer but I’m certainly still her mother. I want to celebrate that. She always went above and beyond to make every Mother’s Day special, I will celebrate those times and know that she still loves me. I will also celebrate the love I still have for her.
Most importantly, I want to celebrate the fact that I’m Kyle’s mother. What a huge blessing he is to me. God brought much comedy into our lives when he gave us Kyle, but even more - He brought us much love. This young man loves his momma, and his momma loves him with every fiber of her being. Kyle is a very special young man. If you don’t know him well, you should get to know him. He will grate your very last nerve one minute, then turn around the next and melt your heart. I wouldn’t have him any other way. He is exactly the son God created him to be and I adore him.
I will celebrate being Christy’s mother and I will celebrate being Kyle’s mother. Please pray for me as I do.
Celebrating my children,
Julie
Monday, May 4, 2009
Happy Birthday Chris!
Today is Chris’ 41st birthday. Last year when he turned 40 I threw a big surprise party for him. Thanks to many lies (I’m sorry to admit that, but it was a surprise party) and the help of my friends, he was actually surprised. It was great fun. We ate, laughed and sang karaoke.
This year the celebration is a little toned down but the love has grown even stronger. Last year at this time we were a family of five, things weren’t perfect but for the most part we were happy and loving life. Then tragedy struck and ours lives were turned upside down, never to be the same again.
I guess the loss of a child is the very worst thing a mother can go through. Evidence of this fact is ever so clear on the grief board that I visit. We are a sisterhood of women who desperately wish we didn’t have the need to know each other. Child loss is a feeling that can’t be put into words, it’s horrific. But through the pain I am able to catch glimpses of hope and know that even though I don’t always feel so, I am blessed. One of my biggest blessings is Chris. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that God brought Chris into our lives. I’ve said this before - he’s my rock. I have no idea how I would have survived these past 7 months without his love, strength and constant understanding. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s my man and I love him.
Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you more than you know.
This year the celebration is a little toned down but the love has grown even stronger. Last year at this time we were a family of five, things weren’t perfect but for the most part we were happy and loving life. Then tragedy struck and ours lives were turned upside down, never to be the same again.
I guess the loss of a child is the very worst thing a mother can go through. Evidence of this fact is ever so clear on the grief board that I visit. We are a sisterhood of women who desperately wish we didn’t have the need to know each other. Child loss is a feeling that can’t be put into words, it’s horrific. But through the pain I am able to catch glimpses of hope and know that even though I don’t always feel so, I am blessed. One of my biggest blessings is Chris. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that God brought Chris into our lives. I’ve said this before - he’s my rock. I have no idea how I would have survived these past 7 months without his love, strength and constant understanding. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s my man and I love him.
Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you more than you know.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
For Me
I originally posted this on June 27, 2008 for Christy. She was awaiting knee replacement surgery and it had been postponed. I was in hopes that it would help her through her disappointment. Today I post it for myself............
"God is doing a greater work in us, and that can only come as we learn to trust him no matter how dark the days and sleepless the nights. And it is only as we have been through the darkness with him that what we know with our heads slides down into our hearts, and our hearts no longer demand answers. The Why? becomes unimportant when we believe that God can and will redeem the pain for our good and his glory.... When I put the sovereignty of God beside his unfailing love, my heart can rest."
Verdell Davis
"God is doing a greater work in us, and that can only come as we learn to trust him no matter how dark the days and sleepless the nights. And it is only as we have been through the darkness with him that what we know with our heads slides down into our hearts, and our hearts no longer demand answers. The Why? becomes unimportant when we believe that God can and will redeem the pain for our good and his glory.... When I put the sovereignty of God beside his unfailing love, my heart can rest."
Verdell Davis
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