Last Sunday night we had our church Thanksgiving dinner. Pastor David asked us to share amongst our table what we were thankful for. I couldn’t even open my mouth. Not that I’m not thankful, I am, I just couldn’t bring myself to say out loud that I am thankful. I guess right now I feel like I should be consumed with sorrow, who am I kidding, I am consumed with sorrow. Anyway, I do have a lot to be thankful for so I thought I would share my list with you.
I am thankful that Jesus paid the price for me. That He took my place. That He saved a wretch like me.
I am thankful for a husband who adores me, in spite of my shortcomings.
I am thankful for a son who loves Jesus. He also loves his momma!
I am thankful for a son-in-law who loves my daughter more than I could ever have hoped for.
I am thankful for an extended family who loves me. I had gotten to a place where I wondered if they did (my own ignorance, not theirs) but they have shown me just how very much they do.
I am thankful for friends who love me and are always there for me when I need, or just want, someone to talk to.
I am thankful for a daughter who taught me how to live in spite of pain and suffering.
I am thankful for the love that I feel everyday from a whole host of people.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a very sad one, but I still have much to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Christy's Stocking
I sent the following e-mail today to everyone I know. But just in case you missed it I'm posting it here, minus our address.
Dear Friends,
As the Christmas season approaches our hearts are still broken. We can hardly think of celebrating the birth of our Savior without Christy, yet we certainly will. We couldn’t dream of letting this season pass without celebrating our Lord. However, we are faced with a difficult decision, what to do with Christy’s stocking. You see, even though our kids are grown they still receive a stocking filled to the brim every year. So this year we’ve come up with a plan to fill Christy’s stocking and we’re asking for your help.
As many of you know, when Christy was a child we spent countless days that sometimes stretched into weeks and even months at Children’s Hospital. Those times were financially draining on our little family. Thankfully we had a wonderful extended family that helped us through those difficult times but many people face these times alone, without family to lean on. That’s where you come in. We have already been in touch with Amy at the Children’s Miracle Network to set our plan in motion. We are seeking gift cards of any kind that might help a family in need. You could purchase restaurant cards (fast food is great), cards for gasoline, even Wal-Mart of Kroger cards would be wonderful. Also, to help brighten the day for the children we are asking for all types of children’s books.
I can just see Christy’s stocking totally overloaded with items! (I promise pictures after Christmas.) If you would like to donate you can either mail your items, drop them off at our house, or give us a call/e-mail and one of us will gladly pick your items up. We hope to make this a wonderful blessing for many families, please consider helping a family who is already suffering. Our hearts will hurt this Christmas, but we will take joy in knowing that Christy is still touching the lives of so many.
Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested in helping with this project.
Happy holidays to each of you and may God bless you,
Chris, Julie, Josh & Kyle
Dear Friends,
As the Christmas season approaches our hearts are still broken. We can hardly think of celebrating the birth of our Savior without Christy, yet we certainly will. We couldn’t dream of letting this season pass without celebrating our Lord. However, we are faced with a difficult decision, what to do with Christy’s stocking. You see, even though our kids are grown they still receive a stocking filled to the brim every year. So this year we’ve come up with a plan to fill Christy’s stocking and we’re asking for your help.
As many of you know, when Christy was a child we spent countless days that sometimes stretched into weeks and even months at Children’s Hospital. Those times were financially draining on our little family. Thankfully we had a wonderful extended family that helped us through those difficult times but many people face these times alone, without family to lean on. That’s where you come in. We have already been in touch with Amy at the Children’s Miracle Network to set our plan in motion. We are seeking gift cards of any kind that might help a family in need. You could purchase restaurant cards (fast food is great), cards for gasoline, even Wal-Mart of Kroger cards would be wonderful. Also, to help brighten the day for the children we are asking for all types of children’s books.
I can just see Christy’s stocking totally overloaded with items! (I promise pictures after Christmas.) If you would like to donate you can either mail your items, drop them off at our house, or give us a call/e-mail and one of us will gladly pick your items up. We hope to make this a wonderful blessing for many families, please consider helping a family who is already suffering. Our hearts will hurt this Christmas, but we will take joy in knowing that Christy is still touching the lives of so many.
Feel free to forward this to anyone you think might be interested in helping with this project.
Happy holidays to each of you and may God bless you,
Chris, Julie, Josh & Kyle
Thursday, November 13, 2008
More Randomness
The past two days were hard. I’m sure Tuesday was hard because it was the one month anniversary but I have no clue why yesterday was so bad. Aren’t anniversaries supposed to be celebrations? I suppose I will be counting them off in months until I’m able to count them in years. The thoughts of that make me want to scream, literally.
My man is awesome! I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He has certainly been my rock. God brought him to us at the perfect time. In time to grow a beautiful relationship with my girl, to love her as his own, and in time to be here for me in the most difficult days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you how much love and respect I have for him. I’m very blessed!
I miss Josh. He’s coming home on Monday and I can’t wait. Though for him I’m sad. I know that he wants to come home so that he can face his grief, but the thoughts of that make me sad for him. He’s been able to somewhat escape, though I’m sure that Christy is in his mind always. Part of me wishes he could press the easy button and continue with his life, while the other part of me wants him to hold on to Christy forever. When will he be able to move on? Not quickly enough, but also far too quickly at the same time. I worry about our relationship with him. I know that Josh loves us but at some point he’s gonna need to move on. I would never dream of holding him back, I love him too much for that. I know that Christy loved him too much for that.
I’m worried about my boy. Kyle always wants to be funny, he’s been the class clown since he was little. Of course, there is no humor in our current circumstance. I wish he could open up and share but he’s not really one to do that. I’m praying that maybe he will open up with Josh when he gets back.
My heart misses Christy. I think about her constantly. For the past few months, because of her broken knee, she and I got to spend much precious time together, which I am SO VERY grateful for. But that doesn’t really make me feel much better now. Right now what I want is to crawl into bed with her and Max for a Sunday afternoon nap. I want to hear her funny little snoring sounds as she sleeps. I want to stroke her hair and take in her smell. I want to hug her, to kiss her again. I want to hear her voice and see that bright smile. I want to see Jack jump for joy when you say, “Christy’s here!” And I want to hear the excitement in her voice when she says, “Jackie Doodle!” Oh, how my heart cries for these things.
There are split seconds when I forget. Watching Dancing with the Stars is hard. Christy loved that show and would call me during every commercial break to either ask what I thought about whoever just danced, or to complain that Cloris Leachman was still there. Every now and then when I’m watching and they go to a commercial I think the phone is gonna ring. One time it did and for a split second I thought, “Oh, that’s Christy.” Those times are hard.
I want to dream about Christy!!!! I have not had one dream about her. Why? I’m having some wacky crazy dreams though. I’m dreaming mostly of past times. Not things we actually did but my dreams are taking place in the past. Weird! They are mostly from the time Christy was between about 7 and 10 years old. What I want is to have happy dreams about her. I have actually had dreams about my mom though, which I have previously done only rarely.
I’ve been writing Thank You cards, that’s a daunting task. It’s taken me this long just to talk myself into doing it. Everything I write sounds stupid to me. How do you thank people in a way that really expresses how much you appreciate them? For the most part I think that words fall short of what I feel. Hopefully everyone will know how much their kindness has meant to us.
This post has gotten far too long and I’ve got much to do.
Remembering my girl,
Julie
My man is awesome! I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful he is. He has certainly been my rock. God brought him to us at the perfect time. In time to grow a beautiful relationship with my girl, to love her as his own, and in time to be here for me in the most difficult days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you how much love and respect I have for him. I’m very blessed!
I miss Josh. He’s coming home on Monday and I can’t wait. Though for him I’m sad. I know that he wants to come home so that he can face his grief, but the thoughts of that make me sad for him. He’s been able to somewhat escape, though I’m sure that Christy is in his mind always. Part of me wishes he could press the easy button and continue with his life, while the other part of me wants him to hold on to Christy forever. When will he be able to move on? Not quickly enough, but also far too quickly at the same time. I worry about our relationship with him. I know that Josh loves us but at some point he’s gonna need to move on. I would never dream of holding him back, I love him too much for that. I know that Christy loved him too much for that.
I’m worried about my boy. Kyle always wants to be funny, he’s been the class clown since he was little. Of course, there is no humor in our current circumstance. I wish he could open up and share but he’s not really one to do that. I’m praying that maybe he will open up with Josh when he gets back.
My heart misses Christy. I think about her constantly. For the past few months, because of her broken knee, she and I got to spend much precious time together, which I am SO VERY grateful for. But that doesn’t really make me feel much better now. Right now what I want is to crawl into bed with her and Max for a Sunday afternoon nap. I want to hear her funny little snoring sounds as she sleeps. I want to stroke her hair and take in her smell. I want to hug her, to kiss her again. I want to hear her voice and see that bright smile. I want to see Jack jump for joy when you say, “Christy’s here!” And I want to hear the excitement in her voice when she says, “Jackie Doodle!” Oh, how my heart cries for these things.
There are split seconds when I forget. Watching Dancing with the Stars is hard. Christy loved that show and would call me during every commercial break to either ask what I thought about whoever just danced, or to complain that Cloris Leachman was still there. Every now and then when I’m watching and they go to a commercial I think the phone is gonna ring. One time it did and for a split second I thought, “Oh, that’s Christy.” Those times are hard.
I want to dream about Christy!!!! I have not had one dream about her. Why? I’m having some wacky crazy dreams though. I’m dreaming mostly of past times. Not things we actually did but my dreams are taking place in the past. Weird! They are mostly from the time Christy was between about 7 and 10 years old. What I want is to have happy dreams about her. I have actually had dreams about my mom though, which I have previously done only rarely.
I’ve been writing Thank You cards, that’s a daunting task. It’s taken me this long just to talk myself into doing it. Everything I write sounds stupid to me. How do you thank people in a way that really expresses how much you appreciate them? For the most part I think that words fall short of what I feel. Hopefully everyone will know how much their kindness has meant to us.
This post has gotten far too long and I’ve got much to do.
Remembering my girl,
Julie
Friday, November 7, 2008
Sharing
I have been visiting a board dedicated to grief, in particular I've been on a thread for parents who have lost teen or adult children. Today one of my board buddies posted the following. She gave me permission to share it on my blog. The board is private so I am unable to give her credit for it so I would ask that you not copy it. I found this to be simply beautiful.
I wake to the chill of a new day.
The cold of night has etched the corners of my window.
The transformation of last night’s rain still falls in weighted elegance
and blankets what is left of fall’s remains.
The beauty of the frozen rain solidified into playful droplets of white that fills my mind with the wonderment of the season beginning.
In last night’s rain the trees shown bare of leaves, ugly in their nakedness.
Now the morning snow clothes and defines every branch, revealing the graceful brilliance and enduring strength that I dismissed in the absence of their fruit.
Am I the tree once graced with the beauty of life?
I swayed in the wind, cast shadows of fullness on the ground.
Did others see me as alive and brilliant with my colored branches extending and reaching for the light of the new day?
When the leaves fell from my branches and the coolness of my autumn gave way to deaths dark hand, do I look as barren and naked as the tree I condemned to ugliness?
Does my grief leave me barren and lifeless casting a shadow of solitude, thin in
proportion of my former self?
Or somehow with the frozen grace of the night, can hope fall on my desolate limbs defining my beauty and strength as I bravely face the season of quiet.
A snowflake falls in unison with its companions. It is not alone but it is unique in its shape and form. Carved from the same beginning but bringing a uniqueness that speaks of its individual expression. The love that we have shared with our child now lost from this earth, is frozen in heaven’s grace.
Forged from the same maker, it falls around us in quiet gentle individuality.
I capture each flake from my love and the angels I have been blessed to take communion with, on my naked branch. The beauty of my structure is outlined,
clothed in grace that I might stand mighty in cold, proud of my nakedness. This is my season of stillness, in quiet reflection of my former self.
With love on my branches and my soul firmly rooted in grace
I will tend and nurture in quietness the seeds of my new life.
The blossoming of this new life will come as inevitably as winter yield to spring.
I will not rush the birth of my seedlings, nor will I disparage their timeliness.
Do we chastise the tree for its bareness in winter?
Do we call on the flowers to bloom with brilliance through the snow?
As it is their time to rest and take in the nutrients of the soil,
it is my time to rest, to heal.
I wake to the chill of a new day.
The cold of night has etched the corners of my window.
The transformation of last night’s rain still falls in weighted elegance
and blankets what is left of fall’s remains.
The beauty of the frozen rain solidified into playful droplets of white that fills my mind with the wonderment of the season beginning.
In last night’s rain the trees shown bare of leaves, ugly in their nakedness.
Now the morning snow clothes and defines every branch, revealing the graceful brilliance and enduring strength that I dismissed in the absence of their fruit.
Am I the tree once graced with the beauty of life?
I swayed in the wind, cast shadows of fullness on the ground.
Did others see me as alive and brilliant with my colored branches extending and reaching for the light of the new day?
When the leaves fell from my branches and the coolness of my autumn gave way to deaths dark hand, do I look as barren and naked as the tree I condemned to ugliness?
Does my grief leave me barren and lifeless casting a shadow of solitude, thin in
proportion of my former self?
Or somehow with the frozen grace of the night, can hope fall on my desolate limbs defining my beauty and strength as I bravely face the season of quiet.
A snowflake falls in unison with its companions. It is not alone but it is unique in its shape and form. Carved from the same beginning but bringing a uniqueness that speaks of its individual expression. The love that we have shared with our child now lost from this earth, is frozen in heaven’s grace.
Forged from the same maker, it falls around us in quiet gentle individuality.
I capture each flake from my love and the angels I have been blessed to take communion with, on my naked branch. The beauty of my structure is outlined,
clothed in grace that I might stand mighty in cold, proud of my nakedness. This is my season of stillness, in quiet reflection of my former self.
With love on my branches and my soul firmly rooted in grace
I will tend and nurture in quietness the seeds of my new life.
The blossoming of this new life will come as inevitably as winter yield to spring.
I will not rush the birth of my seedlings, nor will I disparage their timeliness.
Do we chastise the tree for its bareness in winter?
Do we call on the flowers to bloom with brilliance through the snow?
As it is their time to rest and take in the nutrients of the soil,
it is my time to rest, to heal.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Randomness about Grief
Up until now I had suffered major grief only twice in my life, in 1984 when my mom died and again in 1996 when my granny passed away. This is VERY different. There is hardly one minute of one day that my mind isn’t thinking about Christy. That would be great if I could totally focus on the 28 wonderful years I had her, but most of my thoughts are about her absence from my life. It’s hard.
I feel like there are rules to grief and I don’t know what they are. I can’t cry, that surely must be against the rules! Why can’t I cry? My heart cries all the time, constantly, but the tears stay away. I really don’t understand.
People always ask me how I’m doing, generally I say fine. That’s a big fat lie! I’m not fine, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again. My heart hurts! I want to wake up from my nightmare and see Christy, here.
I’ve been asked if I’m angry. Angry? No, I’m not angry. How could I be angry? God gave me a perfect gift, I held tight to that gift for 28 beautiful years. How could I possibly be angry about that? That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer, the loss in tremendous for sure, but there is no anger.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m strong. Let there be no mistake, I have NEVER in my life been weaker than I am right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would say that I’m strong. There is not one ounce of strength left in me. If you look at me and you see strength, you’re not seeing me, you must be seeing God. Maybe for some reason He wants you to see me that way, I have no clue. All I know is I’m heartsick, I’m tired and I’m weak.
I hate going out in public. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. I know that I’m living every mother’s worse nightmare, is that what they’re thinking about? Are they thinking that I’m out and about too soon? Are they thinking that I look terrible? Are they wondering how I go on? I look at faces and I see questions.
Somehow life keeps going on. How does that happen? I’m beginning to think that I’m forever stuck on Oct. 11, 2008. Please keep praying for us, we certainly need it.
Missing my girl,
Julie
I feel like there are rules to grief and I don’t know what they are. I can’t cry, that surely must be against the rules! Why can’t I cry? My heart cries all the time, constantly, but the tears stay away. I really don’t understand.
People always ask me how I’m doing, generally I say fine. That’s a big fat lie! I’m not fine, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fine again. My heart hurts! I want to wake up from my nightmare and see Christy, here.
I’ve been asked if I’m angry. Angry? No, I’m not angry. How could I be angry? God gave me a perfect gift, I held tight to that gift for 28 beautiful years. How could I possibly be angry about that? That doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer, the loss in tremendous for sure, but there is no anger.
I’ve been told numerous times that I’m strong. Let there be no mistake, I have NEVER in my life been weaker than I am right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would say that I’m strong. There is not one ounce of strength left in me. If you look at me and you see strength, you’re not seeing me, you must be seeing God. Maybe for some reason He wants you to see me that way, I have no clue. All I know is I’m heartsick, I’m tired and I’m weak.
I hate going out in public. People look at me and I wonder what they’re thinking. I know that I’m living every mother’s worse nightmare, is that what they’re thinking about? Are they thinking that I’m out and about too soon? Are they thinking that I look terrible? Are they wondering how I go on? I look at faces and I see questions.
Somehow life keeps going on. How does that happen? I’m beginning to think that I’m forever stuck on Oct. 11, 2008. Please keep praying for us, we certainly need it.
Missing my girl,
Julie
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Christy,
The day started out normal, so normal that I don’t really remember much about it until you called. “I’m sick.” Simple words but I knew in your voice that something was wrong, the sound of your voice gave me an uneasy feeling. I knew that Josh had to be gone that day so I simply got ready and Chris and I left to go stay with you.
When we got there you were feeling really bad, not throwing up but you had the dry heaves, not pleasant. You were cold one minute and then a wave of nausea would come over you and you would get hot. You sat in the recliner most of the afternoon while Chris and I were on the sofa. I even dozed off while you slept a little. Oh if I had known then what I know now I would never have slept. I would have spent that afternoon telling you how much I love you. I know that you know how much I love you but still, I would have used those last hours to tell you again, over and over.
You asked me to help you to the bed because you were cold, when I did you asked me what was wrong with you. I’m guessing now that you knew something was really wrong but you didn’t know what it was. When Josh got home I took your temperature, it was really low 91.something. Thinking that the thermometer must be wrong I took it again, 92.something. Josh stuck it in his mouth to make sure it was working, his temp was 98.6 so we took yours again, 97.8. Okay, now the thing is working. I think it was working every time. Why didn’t we realize that then?
I decided you probably wouldn’t be able to go to church the next day so I told you I would come back the next morning. You said okay, I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me and we left. Why did we leave? Those were the last words that you and I would ever speak to each other. Why didn’t I stay with you that night?
Shortly after we got home Josh called us and told us that you were cold all over and that your lips were turning blue and you were unresponsive, he had called 911. They were taking you to Harrison Memorial. We left immediately for the one hour drive. I drove the car, as we were heading up Nicholasville Road I looked over at Chris, his head was bowed and I knew he was praying for you. As we sat at the light on Nicholasville at New Circle I asked Chris to pray out loud so that I could hear him, he did but somehow at that point I knew you were going to leave us. My heart started hurting, badly.
When we finally got to the hospital Anita was sitting on a bench out front, she was trying so hard to be strong but I could see her love for you streaming down her face. I looked at her and said, “She didn’t make it, did she?” Anita couldn’t answer me.
After a little confusion we finally got to Josh, he was a total mess. He was sobbing uncontrollably, he loves you so much. I’ve always known this but that night I realized it more than I ever had. We were all so very upset, no way could this be true. You were fine the night before. I had been there and we had dinner together, talking and laughing. How could this be real?
Almost everyone from your church came to the hospital that night. We had to call Jim and ask him to go over and tell Kyle, he then brought Kyle to us. Kyle and Josh stood there in that little room wrapped in each others arms crying, hurting. I was numb. I could hear Chris out in the hallway making phone calls, crying the whole time. I also realized that night how much he loves you.
After several hours they asked us if we wanted to see you. So the four of us walked back to the room where your beautiful body lay. Josh lay across your chest begging you to wake up. Then he stepped away and just bawled, as did Chris and Kyle. I just stood there looking at you. You looked like you were asleep, so peaceful and beautiful. I kissed you and told you I loved you. I should have stayed there until they came for you, but for some reason I didn’t.
We left around 2:30 am and went to your house. Josh had asked me to pick out a dress to bury you in, but he already knew which one he wanted. Your favorite purple dress with the little sweater, it was perfect. As I stood there and looked around I could see you everywhere. Oh how I miss you.
When we got back home Daddy, Robbie, Barbara, Phillip and Dianne came over. We all cried and then cried again as Chris read to them your Note of Reflection. Thank you so much for leaving us with that, it has brought us so much comfort. Isn’t that just like you, making sure we were all taken care of before you left us. We miss you terribly.
Josh said that every time you guys went to a funeral visitation that you told him you wanted your casket to be closed. Well, we sort of did that. We closed it before the visitation but we wanted the family to be able to say good-bye, so we all spent one last time with you. Jim and Lori were there too, they love you so much. Poor papaw just couldn’t see his Christy Lea like that, so he didn’t come until the visitation started. You looked beautiful in your purple dress. The casket spray was beautiful too, purple roses with white calla lilies, your favorite. We tried to find the purple ones like you used for your wedding, but those had to be special ordered so we settled on the white ones.
More than 600 people came to your visitation. Everyone said such wonderful things about you. Some of your teachers from school were there, kids you went to school with, AOII sisters, Julie and Dr. Thompson from Transy, most of your doctors. All of your family and friends. Dr Neal came, I could hardly talk to him. I’m so appreciative of the way he cared for and loved you.
We had your funeral at Mt. Freedom. It seemed like the right thing to do. You grew up in that church, you came to know the Lord there, you were baptized there, and you met and married your Prince Charming there. Your funeral was simply beautiful, worshipful. Andrea read scripture, David said a prayer. Christel and Brian both sang. Paul Chitwood read your Note of Reflection while everyone cried. Then they played Geoff Moore’s “It’s good to be alive.” We cried some more. Joe delivered your eulogy. He made us all laugh and cry, it was beautiful.
We went to the cemetery and said our last good-byes. You are buried there very near to my momma, Chris and I will one day be there with you.
It’s been eleven days now and I can’t tell you how much I miss you and how my heart hurts for you. I want to touch you, to smell you, to kiss you again. I have a very simple message from you on the answering machine, every now and then when I want to hear your voice I push play, it brings me comfort. Even though I miss you so much it hurts I wouldn’t wish you back from your new body, from being in the presence of the Lord. I know that some day I will be there with you, that hope is what gets me through each hour of each day.
I love you my sweet baby girl.
Mom
When we got there you were feeling really bad, not throwing up but you had the dry heaves, not pleasant. You were cold one minute and then a wave of nausea would come over you and you would get hot. You sat in the recliner most of the afternoon while Chris and I were on the sofa. I even dozed off while you slept a little. Oh if I had known then what I know now I would never have slept. I would have spent that afternoon telling you how much I love you. I know that you know how much I love you but still, I would have used those last hours to tell you again, over and over.
You asked me to help you to the bed because you were cold, when I did you asked me what was wrong with you. I’m guessing now that you knew something was really wrong but you didn’t know what it was. When Josh got home I took your temperature, it was really low 91.something. Thinking that the thermometer must be wrong I took it again, 92.something. Josh stuck it in his mouth to make sure it was working, his temp was 98.6 so we took yours again, 97.8. Okay, now the thing is working. I think it was working every time. Why didn’t we realize that then?
I decided you probably wouldn’t be able to go to church the next day so I told you I would come back the next morning. You said okay, I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me and we left. Why did we leave? Those were the last words that you and I would ever speak to each other. Why didn’t I stay with you that night?
Shortly after we got home Josh called us and told us that you were cold all over and that your lips were turning blue and you were unresponsive, he had called 911. They were taking you to Harrison Memorial. We left immediately for the one hour drive. I drove the car, as we were heading up Nicholasville Road I looked over at Chris, his head was bowed and I knew he was praying for you. As we sat at the light on Nicholasville at New Circle I asked Chris to pray out loud so that I could hear him, he did but somehow at that point I knew you were going to leave us. My heart started hurting, badly.
When we finally got to the hospital Anita was sitting on a bench out front, she was trying so hard to be strong but I could see her love for you streaming down her face. I looked at her and said, “She didn’t make it, did she?” Anita couldn’t answer me.
After a little confusion we finally got to Josh, he was a total mess. He was sobbing uncontrollably, he loves you so much. I’ve always known this but that night I realized it more than I ever had. We were all so very upset, no way could this be true. You were fine the night before. I had been there and we had dinner together, talking and laughing. How could this be real?
Almost everyone from your church came to the hospital that night. We had to call Jim and ask him to go over and tell Kyle, he then brought Kyle to us. Kyle and Josh stood there in that little room wrapped in each others arms crying, hurting. I was numb. I could hear Chris out in the hallway making phone calls, crying the whole time. I also realized that night how much he loves you.
After several hours they asked us if we wanted to see you. So the four of us walked back to the room where your beautiful body lay. Josh lay across your chest begging you to wake up. Then he stepped away and just bawled, as did Chris and Kyle. I just stood there looking at you. You looked like you were asleep, so peaceful and beautiful. I kissed you and told you I loved you. I should have stayed there until they came for you, but for some reason I didn’t.
We left around 2:30 am and went to your house. Josh had asked me to pick out a dress to bury you in, but he already knew which one he wanted. Your favorite purple dress with the little sweater, it was perfect. As I stood there and looked around I could see you everywhere. Oh how I miss you.
When we got back home Daddy, Robbie, Barbara, Phillip and Dianne came over. We all cried and then cried again as Chris read to them your Note of Reflection. Thank you so much for leaving us with that, it has brought us so much comfort. Isn’t that just like you, making sure we were all taken care of before you left us. We miss you terribly.
Josh said that every time you guys went to a funeral visitation that you told him you wanted your casket to be closed. Well, we sort of did that. We closed it before the visitation but we wanted the family to be able to say good-bye, so we all spent one last time with you. Jim and Lori were there too, they love you so much. Poor papaw just couldn’t see his Christy Lea like that, so he didn’t come until the visitation started. You looked beautiful in your purple dress. The casket spray was beautiful too, purple roses with white calla lilies, your favorite. We tried to find the purple ones like you used for your wedding, but those had to be special ordered so we settled on the white ones.
More than 600 people came to your visitation. Everyone said such wonderful things about you. Some of your teachers from school were there, kids you went to school with, AOII sisters, Julie and Dr. Thompson from Transy, most of your doctors. All of your family and friends. Dr Neal came, I could hardly talk to him. I’m so appreciative of the way he cared for and loved you.
We had your funeral at Mt. Freedom. It seemed like the right thing to do. You grew up in that church, you came to know the Lord there, you were baptized there, and you met and married your Prince Charming there. Your funeral was simply beautiful, worshipful. Andrea read scripture, David said a prayer. Christel and Brian both sang. Paul Chitwood read your Note of Reflection while everyone cried. Then they played Geoff Moore’s “It’s good to be alive.” We cried some more. Joe delivered your eulogy. He made us all laugh and cry, it was beautiful.
We went to the cemetery and said our last good-byes. You are buried there very near to my momma, Chris and I will one day be there with you.
It’s been eleven days now and I can’t tell you how much I miss you and how my heart hurts for you. I want to touch you, to smell you, to kiss you again. I have a very simple message from you on the answering machine, every now and then when I want to hear your voice I push play, it brings me comfort. Even though I miss you so much it hurts I wouldn’t wish you back from your new body, from being in the presence of the Lord. I know that some day I will be there with you, that hope is what gets me through each hour of each day.
I love you my sweet baby girl.
Mom
Monday, October 20, 2008
In Her Own Words.........
A Note of Reflection...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at 11:41pm
Dear readers -
As many of you know by this point, the last two months have been some of the most difficult days of my life. But, I cannot simply walk away from these days now that I am almost completely better without reflecting on what I have learned - or was just reminded of:
1.) Christ is in me and I am in Him. I simply would not have gotten through this ordeal and be this joyful on the other side of it apart from this truth.
2.) God has revealed His love for me not only by sending His one and only Son to die for my sins - which absolutely was enough - but continues to reveal this love everyday through my family, my friends and even my doctors:
- My husband, Josh, is my husband for a reason. I firmly believe now more than ever that he was selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father. Josh has lived out the vows he spoke to me on the day we were married 4 1/2 years ago in a way that I didn't even know was possible. He has prayed for me, loved me unconditionally, been there at every moment I needed him there, taken care of my physical needs, helped me to understand and deal with my emotional needs and has done his best to keep me smiling and laughing through it all. I pray he always knows how true my love is for him and how grateful I am for the love he shows to me every single day. I am quite the lucky girl!
- My mom, Julie, is my mom for a reason. I also firmly believe now more than ever that she was also selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father - just as Mary was chosen to be the mother of Jesus. God knew even before I was created that I would need a very special mother - and boy did he pick the right one! My mom has helped me clear every hurdle I have ever faced in my life. Some we jumped and cleared without difficulty and some we jumped, smacked into the hurdle and fell down. But anytime we fell, we fell together. And everytime we fell together she was always there to pick me up. My mom has also prayed for me, loved me with a love I cannot even understand, been there every time I have called for her, taken care of my physical needs and has cried with and for me. I pray she always knows how strong my love is for her. She is truly my best friend.
- Kyle, my brother, and Chris, my stepdad, are also in my life for a reason - they make me laugh! God knew I would need that from time to time :0) Anytime I feel like there is no smile left in me, one of them ALWAYS proves me wrong. I love my brother more than he probably knows and I know he loves me. I am happy that God has bonded us strongly together as brother and sister and enjoy the times we get to spend together. I also love my stepdad. God brought him into our lives over 10 years ago and I know we needed him as much as he needed us. We have grown a lot as a family over the years and I am happy to have the relationship that I have with him today. I pray it grows even stronger as the years continue to go by and as we all continue to learn and grow in Christ.
- My friends - way too numerous to count or list! God has given me great friends from all over the world. My friends have prayed for me, visited me, cared for me and have made themselves available to meet my needs even when it wasn't convenient for them. I pray that I can truly express my gratitude and return the love they have so generously poured out on me.
- My doctors - Dr. Jeffrey Neal, Dr. Paul Nichols, Dr. John Harrison, Dr. Charles Rose and others I'm sure I'm forgetting (or don't even remember that have taken care of me). God has put together such an amazing group of doctors for me and they have come together to treat me in the best way they possibly can. These doctors, the ones whose names I listed in particular, have a love for me that I don't understand - I'm just their patient - but I feel it each time I have a conversation with any of them. I am so thankful for their care and concern and feel truly confident and blessed that God carefully selected each one of them for me.
3.) In the words of Geoff Moore - "It's good to be alive." I came as close to dying as I think I ever have and although I am confident of where I am going when I do - the fact that I didn't means that God still has work for me to do here on Earth. What that is...I have no idea. I know a good part of it is to continue in ministry with Josh and spread His word. But, I feel like there is more. What? Not sure. But when I figure it out I'll sure let you know. And, maybe I'll never know. That's OK. I plan to live my days learning and growing as much as I possibly can and living each day as if it were my last. August 5th, 2008 could have been that last day. It wasn't and I am grateful for that. I now have a perspective on life that I have never had. It was a wonderful lesson to learn.
Love to all,
Christy
Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at 11:41pm
Dear readers -
As many of you know by this point, the last two months have been some of the most difficult days of my life. But, I cannot simply walk away from these days now that I am almost completely better without reflecting on what I have learned - or was just reminded of:
1.) Christ is in me and I am in Him. I simply would not have gotten through this ordeal and be this joyful on the other side of it apart from this truth.
2.) God has revealed His love for me not only by sending His one and only Son to die for my sins - which absolutely was enough - but continues to reveal this love everyday through my family, my friends and even my doctors:
- My husband, Josh, is my husband for a reason. I firmly believe now more than ever that he was selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father. Josh has lived out the vows he spoke to me on the day we were married 4 1/2 years ago in a way that I didn't even know was possible. He has prayed for me, loved me unconditionally, been there at every moment I needed him there, taken care of my physical needs, helped me to understand and deal with my emotional needs and has done his best to keep me smiling and laughing through it all. I pray he always knows how true my love is for him and how grateful I am for the love he shows to me every single day. I am quite the lucky girl!
- My mom, Julie, is my mom for a reason. I also firmly believe now more than ever that she was also selected especially for me by our Heavenly Father - just as Mary was chosen to be the mother of Jesus. God knew even before I was created that I would need a very special mother - and boy did he pick the right one! My mom has helped me clear every hurdle I have ever faced in my life. Some we jumped and cleared without difficulty and some we jumped, smacked into the hurdle and fell down. But anytime we fell, we fell together. And everytime we fell together she was always there to pick me up. My mom has also prayed for me, loved me with a love I cannot even understand, been there every time I have called for her, taken care of my physical needs and has cried with and for me. I pray she always knows how strong my love is for her. She is truly my best friend.
- Kyle, my brother, and Chris, my stepdad, are also in my life for a reason - they make me laugh! God knew I would need that from time to time :0) Anytime I feel like there is no smile left in me, one of them ALWAYS proves me wrong. I love my brother more than he probably knows and I know he loves me. I am happy that God has bonded us strongly together as brother and sister and enjoy the times we get to spend together. I also love my stepdad. God brought him into our lives over 10 years ago and I know we needed him as much as he needed us. We have grown a lot as a family over the years and I am happy to have the relationship that I have with him today. I pray it grows even stronger as the years continue to go by and as we all continue to learn and grow in Christ.
- My friends - way too numerous to count or list! God has given me great friends from all over the world. My friends have prayed for me, visited me, cared for me and have made themselves available to meet my needs even when it wasn't convenient for them. I pray that I can truly express my gratitude and return the love they have so generously poured out on me.
- My doctors - Dr. Jeffrey Neal, Dr. Paul Nichols, Dr. John Harrison, Dr. Charles Rose and others I'm sure I'm forgetting (or don't even remember that have taken care of me). God has put together such an amazing group of doctors for me and they have come together to treat me in the best way they possibly can. These doctors, the ones whose names I listed in particular, have a love for me that I don't understand - I'm just their patient - but I feel it each time I have a conversation with any of them. I am so thankful for their care and concern and feel truly confident and blessed that God carefully selected each one of them for me.
3.) In the words of Geoff Moore - "It's good to be alive." I came as close to dying as I think I ever have and although I am confident of where I am going when I do - the fact that I didn't means that God still has work for me to do here on Earth. What that is...I have no idea. I know a good part of it is to continue in ministry with Josh and spread His word. But, I feel like there is more. What? Not sure. But when I figure it out I'll sure let you know. And, maybe I'll never know. That's OK. I plan to live my days learning and growing as much as I possibly can and living each day as if it were my last. August 5th, 2008 could have been that last day. It wasn't and I am grateful for that. I now have a perspective on life that I have never had. It was a wonderful lesson to learn.
Love to all,
Christy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)